Monday, September 26, 2011

REEL MONSTER (the full screenplay)

Posted below is my feature-length screenplay called REEL MONSTER. This is a very fun, adventurous story that recently received very positive feedback from The Happy Writers script consulting agency in Los Angeles. Joey Tuccio, a reader for both Hugh Jackman's and George Clooney's production companies, had this to say about the script:


"Matt, you are doing really good work with this and you are clearly talented as a writer. The concept is clear and leads us on a fun filled adventure, with two goofy, but lovable adolescents. There are also some twists and turns that helps to keep us engaged throughout the story."


REEL MONSTER (comedy)
by Matt Burns
WGA Registered #1193808

Two nerdy teens discover a magic VCR that allows them to pull their favorite movie star (Johnny Cruise) out of the movies and into the real world. With Johnny as their new best friend, the two teens are convinced that they’ll become the most popular kids in their high school.

But when Johnny begins to slip in and out of movie roles, talk in cinematic cliches, initiate all sorts of needless drama, create big explosions and spontaneously engage in chase/fight sequences, the two teens realize they’ve created a monster that’s more REEL than REAL and Johnny must be sent back to the REEL world before somebody gets hurt...or even killed!


NOTE: Some of the formatting is a little off because of how the script transferred when posting to the web. Some letters that should be in CAPS are in lower case etc. Please disregard. Thanks.

Int. Video store. night

It is one of the first video stores to be born out of the video age, complete with sketchy adult video closet in the back.

The store's interior looks not too much different from a library - plain walls with some movie posters and marquis lights, buzzing fluorescent lights on the ceiling, tacky orange wall-to-wall carpeting etc. This is a pre-Blockbuster, independently-owned type of deal.

The owner of the store - MR. CRAVEN - is at the front desk, waiting on a CUSTOMER. He is a middle-aged man with coke-bottle glasses and salt-n-pepper hair growing out the sides of his head. As far as video store clerks go, he is one of the best.

MR. CRAVEN

Last four of your phone number, please.

Customer

Seven-three-three-five.

MR. CRAVEN

Last name?

CUSTOMER

Barnes.

MR. CRAVEN

Thank you...

MR. CRAVEN scans the videotapes into his 1980s-era, IBM computer. Then he places the videos on the other side of the counter, beyond the security gate that stops thieves.

MR. CRAVEN (CONT'D)

And...there ya are. Enjoy the videos.

The CUSTOMER passes through the security gate, grabs the videos and leaves the store.

MR. CRAVEN sees the CUSTOMER off and then takes a peek at his digital watch:

Closing time!

He steps out from behind the counter and the customer-friendliness leaves his face. A look of sheer madness replaces it.

He peers through the store window and scopes out the parking lot outside the store:

It is completely deserted. The CUSTOMER has left the area.

He flips the store's 'open' sign over so that it says...

CLOSED!

MR. CRAVEN'S eyes churn with excitement, like those of a mad scientist.

Lock!

Shackle!

Snap!

MR. CRAVEN secures the entrance with three different locks.

Int. Video store - at window. night

MR. CRAVEN closes the Venetian blinds that cover the store windows.

Int. Video store - back of the store. night

MR. CRAVEN tip-toes up to a shelf stocked with various videos. He looks both ways to make sure nobody is still in the store.

Then he removes a video entitled "Stop or My Nun Will Shoot!" from the shelf.

There is a lever behind it!

MR. CRAVEN takes another peek over his shoulder, just to be completely sure he is alone. And then...

He pulls the lever.

Suddenly, the wall of videos starts to rotate. It's a secret passage!

MR. CRAVEN takes one last peek over his shoulder, just to be absolutely sure nobody is still in the store:

Yes, the store is definitely deserted. Nothing but the eerie flickering/buzzing of fluorescent lights.

MR. CRAVEN steps into the secret passageway and disappears into darkness.

The wall rotates back into place.

Int. Laboratory. Night

It's a secret laboratory!

The laboratory is filthy, dusty and covered with cobwebs - not much different from some crazy scientist's lab in a 1950s science fiction film. Lots of beakers and Bunsen burners and flasks, not to mention those Jacob's Ladder thingys that buzz.

A raven named MAXWELL is perched in the corner of the room, overlooking the laboratory.

MR. CRAVEN enters the lab and grabs a white lab coat from off a cob-webbed chair.

MAXWELL squawks as if to say hello to the wacky MR. CRAVEN.

There is the wildest of all looks in MR. CRAVEN'S eyes.

MR. CRAVEN

Ah, Maxwell...this is it, my darling. This is the night!!!

MAXWELL flutters his wings and squawks in delight.

MR. CRAVEN covers his store uniform with the lab coat and walks over to a table in the middle of the lab.

On the table lies MR. CRAVEN'S latest experiment. It is no monster, no corpse, no Frankenstein, no Bride of Frankenstein...

It is a machine!

But not just a machine - a VCR.

And not just any VCR. It is one of the most super-duper-looking VCR's ever imagined.

MR. CRAVEN takes a small screwdriver out of his coat pocket and adjusts one of the screws on this amazing machine.

MR. CRAVEN (cont'D)

With a twist of this screw here, Maxwell, my creation will be complete!!!

MR. CRAVEN turns the screw as tightly as he can, wipes his forehead of the sweat, and takes a step back from his creation.

MR. CRAVEN (CONT'D)

At last, it is finished!

He stares at the machine, wild-eyed.

MR. CRAVEN (CONT'D)

Years and years of work have gone into this experiment, Maxwell! And tonight we shall enjoy the fruits of our hard labor!!!

MAXWELL squawks in delight.

MR. CRAVEN (CONT'D)

Yes, tonight, Maxwell! Tonight is the night! The moment has finally arrived!!!

Cackles bubble up MR. CRAVEN'S throat.

MR. CRAVEN (CONT'D)

Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!

MAXWELL flutters his wings and squawks.

MR. CRAVEN (CONT'D)

Ahahahahahahahaha!!!

The cackles become more and more violent.

MR. CRAVEN (CONT'D)

Ahahaha! Ahahaha! Ha-ha! HA!!!

But, suddenly, something is wrong.

MR. CRAVEN'S face turns blue. He grabs his shoulder.

His eyeballs pop out of their sockets.

His face turns bluer.

He collapses to the floor.

He is dead.

MAXWELL flies off his perch and flutters over to MR. CRAVEN'S carcass.

He perches himself on MR. CRAVEN'S shoulder and pokes his master with his beak - making sure he is, indeed, dead.

But there's no doubt about it. MR. CRAVEN has had a massive heart attack and he's a dead man.


SUPERIMPOSE - Several years later...

Int. Wyatt'S bedroom. Morning

The room looks like that of a typical teenager, with one slight difference:

Every poster on the wall is of movie superstar JOHNNY CRUISE - in various poses and as various movie characters.

"Johnny Cruise in 'Edward Terrestrial'".

"Johnny Cruise in 'Speed Hard 2'".

"Johnny Cruise in 'Witch Ring'".

And many, many more.

Bbbbbbrrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg!!! An alarm clock rings.

There is rustling beneath the bed covers.

Soon, a hand emerges and reaches for the alarm.

Bbbbbbbbbrrrrrr-

The alarm stops.

A bed-headed head emerges from the bed covers. It's WYATT - 16 years old. His face is pimply and his mouth is full of metal.

He rolls to his side and talks to somebody sleeping next to him on the bed.

Wyatt

(talking like it's his wife)

Good morning. How'd you sleep? Yeah? That's good.

This 'somebody' in the bed is a yearbook resting on a pillow. The yearbook is open to a page with a photo of a girl: LINDSAY MYERS - a beautiful brunette babe. The girl of WYATT'S dreams.

There is a big heart drawn around her photo, as well as wedding bells.

WYATT kisses the photo like it's his wife. Just a gentle, closed-mouth peck - nothing more. Very romantic.

Int. Gary's bedroom. Morning

This particular bedroom is decked out in as many JOHNNY CRUISE posters as WYATT'S.

"Johnny Cruise in 'American Old School'"

"Johnny Cruise in 'The Mighty Rudy'"

And..."Johnny Cruise in 'Stop or My Nun Will Shoot!'"

Bbbbbbrrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg!!! An alarm clock goes off.

There is rustling beneath the bed covers.

A hand emerges from the sheets, reaches for the alarm and shuts it off.

Bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrr-

The alarm stops.

There is more rustling beneath the covers. A head emerges.

This is GARY - 16 years old. His hair is frazzled and cow-licked. He also wears a retainer in the form of a head piece. In fact, if you picture Anthony Michael Hall in any 1980s John Hughes movie, you have a pretty good idea of what Gary looks like.

A Playboy magazine reveals itself. It's sleeping on the pillow beside GARY.

GARY starts to get out of bed, but something is preventing him from doing so. He sighs, rolls his eyes, lifts up his sheets and looks down to his crotch area.

Gary

(to his crotch)

Oh, gees. Calm down. Do you ever rest?

He waits a moment.

Gary (CONT'D)

I'm not getting outta this bed 'til you settle down.

He waits another moment.

Gary (CONT'D)

Look, I KNOW you want some action! I want some action too. But I'm never gonna get laid lying in this bed all day.

He waits another moment...

Gary (CONT'D)

Come on...

And another moment...

Gary (CONT'D)

Little more...

And another moment.

He starts to get up, but stops in his tracks.

GARY (CONT'D)

Little more.

He waits another moment.

Gary (CONT'D)

Thank you.

He hops out of bed.

int. school - hallway. day

It's your typical high school from any teen movie. You got your JOCKS, NERDS, GOTHS and DRAMA QUEENS, all hanging out in their respective cliques. Then there's your one SKATEBOARDER rolling down the hall. Also, there are posters that say "Beat Natick!" referring to an upcoming football game between the two rival schools.

WYATT weaves his way through all the HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. Crumpled balls of paper and paper airplanes hit him on the shoulder. Sometimes they even hit him on the head.

He takes the blows like a champ.

Soon, there is a VOICE.

voice

Hey! Wyatt! Wait up!!!

It's WYATT'S best friend GARY.

Gary

(catching up with his friend)

Did it come in yet?

Wyatt

What? "Speed Hard 2"?

Gary

No, "The Little Mermaid"! What do YOU think?

Wyatt

Yeah, a whole bunch came in yesterday. We can watch it at the store tonight.

They disappear into a classroom door.

Int. front of class. DAY

The front of the classroom consists of a large blackboard and also a desk with a wooden podium on top of it.

MR. CHADWICK - early 50s - paces between the desk and the blackboard, holding a beat-up paperback book in his hand. He wears big eye glasses, a bow tie and a suit. If you looked up 'intellectual' in the dictionary, you would undoubtedly find a picture of MR. CHADWICK.

Mr. chadwick

And thus we arrive at one of the most beautifully written passages in the history of literature. Let's turn our focus to...

He grabs a piece of chalk and scrawls out the words "red sweater" on the chalkboard.

Mr. chadwick (CONT'D)

...the red sweater. One of the most brilliant figurative devices ever to be placed on a blank page.

Int. back of class. Day

GARY and WYATT sit in the waaaaaaaaaay back of the classroom.

WYATT has his eyes on a girl sitting diagonally across from him:

It's LINDSAY MYERS! The beautiful brunette who was in WYATT'S yearbook.

WYATT stares at LINDSAY with a look of total love and adoration.

LINDSAY feels a set of eyes on her and glances over to WYATT.

WYATT has to quickly look away.

GARY, on the other hand, is busy staring at the GIRL sitting directly in front of him.

The GIRL'S sweater is wicked short...so short that much of her lower back - and even a little of her underwear - is visible.

GARY nearly drools at the sight of the GIRL'S pink underwear.

Int. front of class. DAY

MR. CHADWICK continues his lecture.

Mr. chadwick

Class, I want you to tell me what this red sweater is a symbol of.

He searches the room for raised hands.

MR. CHADWICK (CONT'D)

Anyone? Anyone? Class?

Int. back of class. DAY

WYATT shoves his face into his notebook so he won't get called on.

Wyatt

(to himself)

Don't pick me...please don't pick me.

GARY, however, just keeps drooling away at the underwear. He doesn't really give a darn if he gets called on.

Int. front of class. DAY

MR. CHADWICK searches the room for a raised hand. Soon, he spots one.

It's from a student sitting in the front row: a smug-looking JOCK named TODD.

MR. CHADWICK'S eyes twinkle at the sight of TODD'S raised hand.

Mr. chadwick

Yes, Todd!

TODD has a pile of index cards hidden within his crotch. He nonchalantly glances at them and says...

Todd

I feel that the sweater is...

The top card has "ostensibly" written on it.

Todd (CONT'D)

...ostensibly a good example of the writer's use of...

He flips to another card with "semiotics" written on it.

Todd (cONT'D)

...semiotics. But, then again, I'd also say that the...

Then, to another random card that says "connotations."

Todd (cONT'D)

...connotations of the passage seem to indicate a...

The last card has 'paradox' written on it.

Todd (cONT'D)

...paradox.

MR. CHADWICK nearly humps his wooden podium in intellectual excitement.

mr. chadwick

Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh. That's a very interesting observation, Todd.

A smug smile crawls up TODD's face. What a teacher's pet!

MR. CHADWICK nearly has an orgasm from all the mental stimulation.

Mr. chadwick (CONT'D)

Anyone else want to comment on this passage?

Int. back of class. DAY

GARY continues staring at the GIRL'S underwear.

And WYATT continues staring into his notebook.

Wyatt

(to himself)

Pleeeeeeze, don't pick me.

Int. front of class. DAY

MR. CHADWICK spots Wyatt in the way back.

Mr. chadwick

Wyatt! How about you?

Int. back of class. DAY

WYATT hears his name and knows he's doomed.

Wyatt

(under his breath)

Oh, shit.

He lifts his face out of his notebook.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Ummm...well...

Everybody in class turns around and stares at him...

Including Lindsay Myers!

WYATT'S heart races. He loosens his collar to let in some air. His forehead mists with perspiration.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Uh...I think it's a symbol of...hope???

Int. front of class. DAY

MR. CHADWICK'S face droops into a look of complete disappointment.

Mr. chadwick

Hope???

Int. back of class. DAY

WYATT tries to calm his heart with deep-breathing exercises.

Int. front of class. DAY

MR. CHADWICK is completely devastated by what he just heard come out of WYATT'S mouth.

Mr. chadwick

Uh...no. I don't think that's it. Not at all.

(addressing the class)

Boys and girls...boys and girls. Up here, please.

The STUDENTS look away from WYATT and turn their attention to MR. CHADWICK.

Mr. chadwick (CONT'D)

Please make a note of Wyatt's comment because that's the kind of thing I'd prefer not to hear. We only have a limited amount of time to discuss these passages and we can't waste it with comments like Wyatt's.

A handful of STUDENTS in the classroom giggle at WYATT'S stupidity.

TODD lets out a smug sneer.

Int. back of class. DAY

GARY continues staring at the GIRL'S underwear.

Gary

(without making eye contact)

Nice goin', Wyatt.

Wyatt

(whispering)

Shut up.

Int. Cafeteria. day

The cafeteria is your typical high school deal with long, rectangular tables and built-in benches for seats. A couple of soda machines line the back wall. There are also some campaign posters for student council.

GARY and WYATT sit alone at a table in the way far corner of the cafeteria.

WYATT eats a crust-free peanut butter 'n fluff sandwich and washes it down with a Thermos of hot soup.

GARY plucks Tater-tots and chicken nuggets off of his plastic lunch tray. While he eats, he looks over to the opposite side of the cafeteria where there are all the "cool" tables. These are tables filled with HIGH SCHOOL HUNKS, BIG MEN ON CAMPUS, CLASS PRESIDENTS and JOCKS.

Gary

(sighing)

One of these days, Wyatt. One of these days we're gonna be popular. I can feel it.

WYATT takes his dessert out of his brown paper lunch bag. It's a cup of applesauce.

Wyatt

Face it, Gary. We don't have a chance. Nobody likes us.

GARY ignores his friend.

Gary

It's gonna happen, Wyatt. I can feel it.

Wyatt

Come on, Gary. High school just isn't our time to shine. Our day's gonna come later.

Gary

Everything's always later to you, Wyatt. You can't think like that.

He looks back over to the 'cool' tables.

Gary (CONT'D)

Yep, we're gonna be popular and you know what, Wyatt? We're gonna get laid. L...A...I...D - Laid!!!

Wyatt

OK, Gary. Whatever you say.

Suddenly, LINDSAY MYERS walks by their table. Well, 'walks' isn't the right word. She moves - with beauty, grace and style! Wow, what a knock-out! Every step she takes is more beautiful than a Perfect-Ten model on a runway.

WYATT spots her in his periphery and does a double-take.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Oh, God, there she is.

GARY looks where WYATT'S looking and sees what he's talking about.

Gary

Whoa! Lindsay Myers...

Their jaws drop as she walks past their table.

Gary (CONT'D)

(shaking his head in awe)

...she's got the cutest butt I've ever seen.

WYATT elbows GARY in the ribs.

Wyatt

Hey, watch what you say about my girl.

GARY turns to WYATT.

Gary

YOUR girl?! Ha! Go ask her out, then!

Wyatt

What? No way.

Gary

Seriously, Wyatt. If she's your girl, then go claim her.

Wyatt

I'm not asking her out, Gary. No way. Not...not now.

Gary

Oh, that's right. Maybe when you shine in college...or after college you'll get a good job and make a million bucks...or maybe after you die...maybe you'll be cooler in the afterlife. Sounds like a good plan.

WYATT gives his friend the hairiest of all hairy eyeballs.

Gary (CONT'D)

It's now or never, Wyatt.

WYATT looks like he might actually do it! He rests his plastic spoon on the rim of his applesauce cup and starts to lift his butt-cheeks off the bench. But...

Wyatt

No. I'm not.

Gary

Fine. I WILL, then.

GARY starts to get up.

Wyatt

No, wait! Wait!!! Sit down.

GARY sits back down.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

All right...OK. I'll do it.

WYATT takes a deep breath and gets up from the table.

Int. Cafeteria - window tables. day

LINDSAY MYERS sits on a bench overflowing with a bunch of other HOT BABES. The HOT BABES eat apple slices, bags of baby carrot sticks, crushed ice and other anorexic favorites.

WYATT approaches the table, his heart nervously pounding against his chest.

LINDSAY giggles with her HOT BABES.

WYATT moves closer...and closer to the table. He wipes the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. He moves closer and even closer...but stops a moment and looks back to GARY.

GARY waves WYATT on.

WYATT turns back around, takes a deep breath and resumes his journey to the table.

But, suddenly, that doofus jock TODD comes out of nowhere and sits beside LINDSAY at the table.

WYATT stops in his tracks.

TODD puts his arm around LINDSAY and then notices WYATT hovering by the table.

WYATT stares at him like a deer in headlights.

TODD stares back.

Todd

Well, what are YOU lookin' at?

All the HOT BABES sitting at the table (including LINDSAY) look up from the table and stare at WYATT.

WYATT is so embarrassed that he speed-walks the hell out of there.

Int. CafetERIA - gary and wyatt's table. DAY

GARY has been watching everything from his table. He can't believe how big of a wuss WYATT is.

Gary

(to himself)

Chicken shit.

Int. Video store. night

It's the very same video store that Mr. Craven worked at, only now it looks a little more modernized. Now, for example, it rents DVDs (in addition to VHS tapes).

There is a TV hanging from the wall in the corner of the store. A movie plays. A movie with Johnny Cruise.

WYATT (in store uniform) leans on the front-store counter, watching the movie intently.

JOHNNY CRUISE - your typical mid-30s A-list movie star - is in the middle of a love scene:

Int. Bedroom. Night (on TV)

JOHNNY sits on the edge of a bed, next to a beautiful LEADING LADY.

Johnny (V.O.)

She came like an angel out of heaven. I took one look at her and knew she was the one...

The two lovers lock their eyes into a romantic gaze and lean in for a kiss. They kiss passionately for a few moments and then they drop down below camera-level to make love.

Int. Video STORE. night

WYATT is envious of the romance he sees being played out before him.

Wyatt

(to himself)

If only it were that easy.

But, suddenly, a CUSTOMER appears at WYATT'S counter - from out of nowhere.

Customer

(to Wyatt)

Hey, do you guys have the new Johnny Cruise movie on VHS? I hate these new DVD thingys. They're always scratched!

Wyatt

Uh...yep, right this way, Sir.

Int. Video store - the back. night

WYATT leads the CUSTOMER to the section of "Johnny Cruise movies" and grabs a copy of "Speed Hard 2" from off the shelf.

Customer

(taking the video)

Thanks.

The CUSTOMER notices another video on the shelf and can't help but do a double-take.

Customer (CONT'D)

Wow, you guys actually carry "Stop or my Nun Will Shoot"?

Wyatt

Yeah, you want that too?

CUSTOMER

No way! I saw that movie when it came out in theaters and I barfed up the tuna fish I had for lunch. By far Johnny Cruise's worst movie.

Wyatt

Yeah, well, nobody's rented it for as long as I've been working here.

CUSTOMER

That a fact...

WYATT blows dust off the video.

Suddenly, there is noise coming from the "adult video" closet - quickly followed by a quiet...

Voice

(from inside the closet)

Shit.

WYATT gives the CUSTOMER an awkward smile.

WYATT

Will that be all?

Int. Video store - the front. NIGHT

WYATT finishes ringing up the CUSTOMER.

Wyatt

And there ya go. Enjoy the movie.

Customer

Thanks.

WYATT sees the CUSTOMER out of the store with a customer-friendly smile.

But as soon as the CUSTOMER is gone, WYATT loses his smile and speed-walks his way to the adult video closet.

Int. video store - adult video closet. Night

WYATT storms up to the closet and gives the door a firm knock.

Wyatt

Come on, Gary! Get outta there! You're gonna get me in trouble!!!

After a moment, the door clicks open. GARY steps out. His face looks flushed.

Gary

I don't get it, Wyatt.

WYATT

What?

GARY

There's so much sex going on out there. And we're missing out on all of it.

WYATT shoos GARY out of the closet.

WYATT

Come on, you're not eighteen yet. Get out!

GARY scurries out and WYATT slams the door back shut.

Gary

How many people are in this world, Wyatt?

WYATT

Huh?

GARY

What's the population? How many people?

WYATT

I dunno...billions. Hundreds of billions. Possibly trillions.

GARY

And how'd they all get here?

WYATT

What do you mean how'd they all get here? They...they...

GARY

Sex, Wyatt. They're all here because somebody got laid. Everybody's getting laid, like, every second of the day. Right now as I speak, there's at least a couple thousand people getting action. That's a fact.

WYATT

Hey, Gary. You're only sixteen years old. You'll have lots of sex some day.

GARY

Yeah...I guess you're right.

WYATT

Come on: let's go pop in "Speed Hard 2".

Int. Video store - johnny cruise section. night

WYATT starts removing a copy of "Speed Hard 2" from the shelf.

But GARY grabs his hand.

Gary

Hold on, Wyatt.

Wyatt

What?

GARY

I don't think I'm in the mood for this movie.

WYATT

What are you talking about? You've been waiting months for this thing to come out on video.

GARY

I know, but I'm not in the mood for an actiony movie. I'm too depressed. I need a good laugh.

wyatt

Well, what, then?

He searches the rack of Johnny Cruise movies.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

"Austin's Big Adventure?"

GARY

Nah.

WYATT

"American Old School"?

GARY

Nah.

WYATT

Well, how about...

He searches some more.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

How about a feel-good movie? Like "The Mighty Rudy"?

Gary

No. No. No, Wyatt.

GARY spots a movie in the top right corner of the shelf.

Gary (CONT'D)

You know what I'm in the mood for? "Stop or My Nun Will Shoot!".

Wyatt

What?! Are you crazy? I'd rather watch a pile of dog crap steam for ninety minutes!

GARY

Come on, Wyatt...it'll be fun. We can make fun of it while we watch. You know, like they do on "Mystery Science Theater 3000".

GARY removes the dusty movie from the shelf and...wait a minute. There's something behind it:

It's a lever! A lever that says...

"Pull me!"

GARY sees the lever.

Gary

What the...

WYATT sees it, too.

Wyatt

What the heck is that?

GARY

You never knew this was here?

WYATT

No. That video hasn't been moved in years.

GARY

What's it for?

WYATT

I don't know.

GARY

Well, only one way to find out...

GARY goes to pull it.

But WYATT stops him.

WYATT

Wait!

GARY freezes.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Maybe I should call my supervisor.

GARY

Maybe. Or maybe I could just...

He pulls the lever.

The wall starts to rotate and the secret passageway is revealed.

GARY'S jaw drops.

Gary (CONT'D)

...pull it.

WYATT can't believe what he's seeing.

Wyatt

Holy shit.

GARY

You never knew about this?

WYATT

No way.

GARY slowly turns his head towards WYATT.

GARY

Well?

WYATT

Well, what?

GARY

Shall we?

GARY takes a step into the passageway.

Wyatt

Wait! I don't think we should be going in there.

Gary

Oh, come on, Wyatt! Stop being such a wuss. Let's check it out!

GARY disappears into the passageway.

WYATT hesitates for a few moments, but soon caves and follows GARY into the passage.

Int. The passage. Night

It is like a dark cavern or cave. Cobwebs are everywhere. Echoes. Water drips. Indiana Jones type-stuff.

GARY and WYATT stumble their way through the dark passage. GARY grabs a flaming torch from off the wall and uses it to navigate through the darkness.

Gary

(voice echoing)

Whoa! This is incredible!

WYATT, however, is less enthusiastic. Tons of cobwebs are getting stuck in his face and the footing in the cavern is terrible.

Wyatt

Gary, where are you?! I can't see!

Int. LaBORATORY. NIGHT

The secret laboratory is no different from how MR. CRAVEN left it when he died - only more dusty and cob-webby.

There is noise. Voices. Echoes.

Soon, GARY pokes his head into the lab.

Gary

Holy shit!

WYATT'S head appears above GARY'S in totem-pole fashion.

Wyatt

Oh...my...God.

GARY

Wyatt! It's a secret laboratory!

They look at the amazing mad scientist-like laboratory:

Candles are still burning. Jacob's Ladders are buzzing. Bunsen burners steaming. Everything is up and running.

And then...WYATT sees something on the floor.

WYATT

God, Gary! Look! On the floor!!!

GARY looks.

There is a skeleton.

Gary

Holy shit!

WYATT starts to freak out.

WYATT

All right, Gary...that's all I had to see. I'm calling the police.

He starts to leave.

But GARY grabs him.

GARY

Wait, Wyatt! Calm down. It's all right.

WYATT

What do you mean it's all right? There's a dead guy in here!

GARY

Exactly, he's dead. He's not gonna hurt us.

WYATT is hesitant.

Gary (CONT'D)

Come on, let's check this place out.

GARY creeps his way further into the lab.

WYATT reluctantly follows close behind.

The two curious teens move closer to the skeleton.

And closer.

And closer.

GARY suddenly notices something else...right beside the skeleton:

Another skeleton! But a smaller one. A bird's skeleton!

Gary

(pointing)

Look!

WYATT sees the other skeleton.

Wyatt

Sick.

GARY crouches beside Mr. Craven's skeleton, pinches the lab coat with his fingers, lifts it up a tad and peeks beneath it.

GARY

Wyatt! He's wearing the same uniform you are!

WYATT studies the uniform and finds the name-tag.

WYATT

(reading the name-tag)

Mr. Craven...

A light bulb suddenly turns on inside his head.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Oh, Jesus. I know who this guy is!

GARY

Who?!

WYATT

Mr. Craven! The guy who founded this place! He mysteriously disappeared many, many years ago. Nobody ever knew what happened to him. They figured he was dead.

GARY

Well, looks like they figured right.

WYATT takes another look around the mysterious lab.

WYATT

What the hell was he doing back here???

GARY hops to his feet and notices something on the operating table.

GARY

(pointing to the table)

Hey! Look, Wyatt!!!

The strange VCR is still on the table, just where the wacky MR. CRAVEN left it.

WYATT

What is that?

GARY

It looks like...

They lean closer to the strange machine.

Wyatt

It looks like a VCR.

GARY

A weird-looking VCR.

They both take an even closer look.

Wyatt

What the hell was he doing with it?

GARY

Beats me.

GARY scopes out the rest of the laboratory for any clues.

He sees a fat, dusty journal in the far corner of the room.

He runs and grabs it!

Wyatt

What's that?

GARY blows a bunch of dust off the book and opens it up.

GARY

It's a journal.

He pages through it.

Gary (CONT'D)

(reading)

Ever since I was a boy, I fantasized about being friends with my favorite movie stars. I wanted to somehow pull my favorite movie character out of the movies and into my life.

GARY slowly looks up from the journal.

WYATT is confused.

GARY buries his face back into the journal and continues reading.

GARY (CONT'D)

(reading)

Now, I have finally...

GARY stutters.

GARY (CONT'D)

...finally found a way. While I was washing my hair in the shower today I had a vision. Of a machine. But not just any machine. A VCR. A...

He looks up from the journal.

GARY (CONT'D)

...magic VCR.

WYATT gulps.

Wyatt

A...MAGIC...VCR???

GARY slams the dusty journal shut. His eyes become glazed with a look of madness.

GARY

Wyatt, do you realize what we've found?!

WYATT

A magic VCR?

GARY

Yeah, that's what it looks like.

WYATT

Come on, Gary. That's a lotta hooey. Are we really supposed to believe this VCR has the power to pull movie stars out of the movies?

GARY

That's what it says here.

WYATT

I don't believe it. This is rubbish.

GARY

Well...only one way to find out.

WYATT sees the wild look in GARY'S eyes. And he doesn't like it one bit.

WYATT

What? Oh. No! No way! We're leaving everything here just as we found it!!!

He starts to head back into the store.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

I'm calling my supervisor...

GARY runs over and blocks his path.

GARY

Come on, Wyatt! Think about this for a minute.

WYATT stops where he is.

GARY slithers his arm around WYATT'S shoulders.

Gary (CONT'D)

If this thing does what it's supposed to do...think about what could happen.

He walks WYATT around the lab, sweet-talking him like a used car salesman.

GARY (CONT'D)

How many kids in our school would die to be friends with a movie star?

Wyatt

Um...probably everyone, I guess.

GARY

Exactly. So what do you think's gonna happen if we're friends with a movie star???

WYATT

Um...I guess we'd be pretty cool.

GARY

Instant popularity, Wyatt. Like...

He snaps his fingers.

Gary (CONT'D)

...that.

WYATT

Yeah, but...

GARY totally ignores him.

GARY

Wyatt, my pal, if we're friends with a movie star, everyone's gonna love us. Girls, Wyatt. All the girls in the world will love us. Especially girls by the name of...

GARY'S eyes widen with madness.

Gary (CONT'D)

(whispering)

...Lindsay Myers.

WYATT'S eyes become as mad as GARY'S. He likes what he hears.

Wyatt

But who would we...

GARY'S eyebrows wiggle up and down.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

...pull out?

Gary

Do you really have to ask that question?

Int. Video store - at passageway entrance. night

GARY bursts out of the secret passageway, cradling the magic VCR and dusty journal in his arms.

WYATT is right behind him.

Wyatt

Are you sure you want it to be Johnny?

Gary

Who else would we do?

WYATT

I don't know. It might be kinda cool being friends with Humphrey Bogart or someone like that.

Int. Video store - at tv. night

GARY runs up to the TV and starts screwing the magic VCR's coaxial cable into the back of it.

Gary

Yeah, like, if we wanted to get with my grandmother.

WYATT nervously speed-walks to the front of the store.

Int. Video store - front entrance. night

WYATT takes a peek out the door and flips the "Open" sign so that it says "Closed".

Lock!

Shackle!

Chain!

He locks the door in three different places.

Wyatt

(shouting to Gary)

Well, what about someone like Marilyn Monroe? Maybe she'd let us make out with her!

He runs over to the windows and closes the Venetian blinds.

Int. Video store - at TV. NIGHT

GARY continues hooking up the VCR.

GARY

No, Wyatt, still too old-fashioned. The more modern we go the more popular we're gonna be.

WYATT

Yeah...maybe you're right.

GARY

Think about this, Wyatt. Johnny Cruise is gonna be a TOTAL chick magnet. You're gonna get Lindsay Myers and I'm gonna get laid! This is gonna be so awesome.

WYATT

Yeah...if it works.

GARY

It'll work.

WYATT

How do you know?

GARY

Well, I don't know. Maybe it will.

GARY finishes hooking up the VCR and rubs his hands together in excitement.

Gary (cONT'D)

There.

Wyatt

What now?

GARY refers to the journal.

GARY

Now we just insert our movie of choice.

WYATT runs over to the "Johnny Cruise" section.

Int. VideO STORE - jOHNNY CRUISE SECTION. night

WYATT eyeballs the row of movies.

WYATT

But which movie?! There's so many to choose from!

GARY

(shouting from across the room)

I don't know!

WYATT

"Witch Ring"?!

GARY

No, let's do "Edward Terrestrial"!

WYATT

No, not that one!

GARY

Well, then how about "Weekend at Miss Daisy's"?!

WYATT

No, not that!

GARY

Then what, Wyatt?!

WYATT

"The Wolf Whisperer"?

GARY

No, that's too boring!

WYATT

Know what? Let's just do "Speed Hard 2"!

GARY

All right...deal!

Int. video store - at TV. NIGHT

WYATT arrives with the movie in his hand but stops and freezes. He looks at GARY.

GARY reaches for the movie, but WYATT doesn't give it to him.

Wyatt

Gary, I'm having second thoughts.

Gary

Come on, Wyatt! Lindsay's in her nighty right now!

WYATT

All right.

He hands the video to GARY.

GARY shoves the video into the VCR deck.

The video evaporates into thin air before it even enters the machine. It's magic!

WYATT and GARY see the magic and give each other a look.

GARY and wyatt

Whoa.

Gary

Did you see that?

Wyatt

Yeah, but nothing's happening.

GARY looks around the store.

It's true: nothing has happened.

GARY bangs the top of the VCR.

GARY

Come on. Come on...

But, still, nothing happens.

GARY (CONT'D)

Let's try another one.

WYATT hesitates.

Gary (CONT'D)

(impatiently)

Come on, get another one!

WYATT runs, grabs another Johnny Cruise movie from the shelf and returns.

Wyatt

(handing the video to Gary)

"Weekend at Miss Daisy's".

GARY

Fine, let's do it.

GARY shoves the tape into the VCR. It also disappears...into thin air.

But, still, nothing happens.

WYATT

Come on, Gary. This thing doesn't work.

GARY grows frustrated.

He hops onto his feet and runs over to the Johnny Cruise section.

He immediately returns with an enormous pile of tapes.

He starts shoving the tapes into the machine - one after another.

But, still, nothing happens.

Gary

Do something, you piece of crap!!!

He slams the top of the VCR with his hand.

In the meantime, WYATT notices that something is...um, unplugged.

Wyatt

Wait, Gary! Stop!!!

GARY stops.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

You didn't plug it in.

It's true. The machine is unplugged.

Gary

Oh. Haha. Whoops. That could be the problem.

GARY grabs the cord and crawls over to the electrical outlet.

He is about to plug it in when...

WYATT

Wait...how do we know it's not gonna explode or something? We don't even know if this thing's been tested.

GARY has a wild look in his eyes.

GARy

We're too far into this, Wyatt. There's no turning back now.

He moves the prongs of the plug towards the electrical outlet.

WYATT closes his eyes and prays that nothing horrible will happen.

The prongs get closer.

GARY'S eyes become as wild as a beast's.

The prongs kiss the sockets.

Gary (CONT'D)

Here we go...

And - with those words - he plugs in the machine.

Suddenly, the lights to the video store flicker.

The ground shakes. Shelves of movies get knocked onto the floor.

There are mighty gusts of wind, blowing crap all over the place.

WYATT opens his eyes and sees all the chaos.

Wyatt

Oh, God, Gary! What did we do??? This was a bad idea! I knew this was a bad idea!

GARY ignores his friend and stares - wide-eyed - at the VCR.

The VCR flashes all sorts of different colors - red, green, blue and yellow.

The TV screen flashes and flickers and snows. There are tons of scrambled images.

The shakes, tremors and wind-gusts become even more intense.

The VCR starts shaking and steaming.

The wind howls like a furious tornado.

Gary

This thing's gonna blow! Wyatt, get down!!!

WYATT ducks for cover.

GARY does the same.

They both get into fallout position.

The television starts swelling like a big zit. It swells and swells and swells and, then...

BOOM! It explodes.

WYATT and GARY are showered with pieces of exploded television.

Soon, the wind dies.

The ground becomes still.

Everything is quiet again.

GARY and WYATT slowly bring their heads out of their knees and take a look around:

It's like the aftermath of a category-five hurricane. Debris is everywhere.

The busted TV smokes.

But nothing else seems to have happened.

WYATT and GARY slowly rise to their feet.

WYATT

Great. After all that...nothing even happened.

But, suddenly, they hear a voice.

voice

(speaking in a voice-over tone of voice)

I found myself inside a video store.

GARY and WYATT are startled. They turn around and see...

JOHNNY CRUISE!!!

GARY

Holy shit!

WYATT'S jaw drops.

Wyatt

Oh...my God. It worked.

GARY and WYATT are star-struck. Eyes are wide open. Mouths are agape.

JOHNNY CRUISE steams and flickers from electricity, not much different from how the Terminator appears when he is first born into the world.

He eyeballs GARY and WYATT.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

(spoken just like regular dialogue)

They stood there looking at me like I was from Mars. Who were these two maniacs? And what did they want from me?

WYATT and GARY are still speechless.

Gary

Johnny...I...hi, Johnny. My name's Gary. And...

(pointing to Wyatt)

...this...this is my friend Wyatt.

WYATT smiles and waves. He's too shy to say anything.

Gary (CONT'D)

We're really big fans.

JOHNNY

Where am I?

GARY

Well...um...see, this is...this is...

Wyatt

Reality.

JOHNNY looks around and gets his bearings.

JOHNNY

I don't like it.

GARY and wyatt

Neither do we.

JOHNNY suddenly goes from zero to sixty.

JOHNNY

(in utter fear)

What do you want from me?!!

GARY and WYATT are so startled from the outburst that they jump about a mile into the air.

GARY

Nothing, Johnny. We just...we wanna be your friend.

JOHNNY takes a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

JohnnY (OuT LOUD V.O.)

I needed a cigarette to get my mind together.

WYATT leans into GARY'S ear.

Wyatt

(out of the corner of his mouth)

Uh...Gary, can we talk in private for a moment?

GARY nods.

Gary

Be right with ya, Johnny.

GARY and WYATT sneak off to a private corner in the video store.

Int. Video store - private corner. night

GARY and WYATT get into a huddle.

Wyatt

I think this was a bad idea, Gary.

GARY

Bad idea?! What are you talking about? Johnny friggin' Cruise is ten feet away from us right now! Johnny Cruise, Wyatt! Johnny Cruise!!!

WYATT

Yeah, but...

He and GARY overhear JOHNNY saying something else...

Int. video store - by johnny. NIGHT

Johnny paces the floor.

Johnny (out loud V.o.)

(smoking his cigarette)

I took a drag and felt the smoke fill my lungs...

He flicks the cigarette onto the carpet and a small fire immediately ignites.

Int. Video sTORE - private corner. NIGHT

WYATT and GARY resume their private conference.

Wyatt

Look, Gary, I'm as happy as you are that Johnny's here...but he's acting really strange.

Gary

Well, what do you expect? We just pulled him out of the movies and into reality. He's bound to be a little confused.

WYATT

I don't know...maybe we should try to put him back in.

GARY

Are you nuts?! Wyatt, Johnny's gonna make us popular! He's gonna get us laid!

Suddenly, they hear a loud crash.

WYATT and GARY stare at each other - bug-eyed.

They run over to see what happened.

Int. Video store - by johnny. NIGHT

Holy crap! The area is ablaze. Flames and smoke are everywhere.

GARY and WYATT run to the edge of the fire and skid to a stop when they see the flames.

Gary and Wyatt

Oh, shit!!!

They look down to the floor and see a horrible sight:

One of the shelves of videos has toppled over. And JOHNNY is pinned beneath it! He'll be burnt toast if he isn't helped!!!

Johnny

(struggling to free himself)

Ugh! Help! Ugh!

Gary

Oh no! Johnny!

JOHNNY

Ugh!!!

GARY

Don't worry, Johnny!

He runs to help him.

Gary (CONT'D)

Give me a hand, Wyatt!

WYATT runs to help as well.

Meanwhile, the blaze is getting fiercer and fiercer. Flames growing. Smoke getting thicker.

WYATT and GARY struggle to lift the shelf of videos off of JOHNNY.

Wyatt

Grrrrrrrr.

GARY

Grrrrrrrr.

They finally manage to get the shelf high enough for JOHNNY to free himself. He rolls to safety.

CRASH! GARY and WYATT let the shelf slam back into the floor.

JOHNNY jumps to his feet.

Johnny

(to Gary and Wyatt)

Come on! We gotta get outta here!!!

They start to run for their lives, but GARY stops in his tracks.

Gary

Wait!

JOHNNY and WYATT stop and turn around.

Gary (CONT'D)

The VCR!

Wyatt

Who cares about the VCR? We gotta get outta here, Gary!

JOHNNY squints his eyes and rolls up his sleeves.

Johnny

You guys go ahead. I'll get it.

WYATT

But, Johnny-

JOHNNY

I said go!!!

His eyes get misty.

Johnny (CONT'D)

Go on! Get outta here!!!

WYATT and GARY run for their lives.

JOHNNY wipes the tears away from his eyes and runs back into the store.

He dodges the flames.

A tile falls from the ceiling!

JOHNNY dives out of the way! The tile just barely misses him!

He jumps back onto his feet and resumes his journey toward the VCR...

Jumping!

Dodging!

And rolling!!!

Ext. Video store - parking lot. night

GARY and WYATT run out of the store and catch their breath on the far side of the parking lot.

They turn around and see that the store is totally engulfed in flames.

Wyatt

Gary, we're in trouble!

Gary

Never mind us! What about Johnny?!

Int. Video store - the back. night

JOHNNY makes it to the back of the store.

He grabs the VCR and gets ready to run the hell out of there.

But, suddenly, more of the ceiling collapses.

JOHNNY falls to the ground.

JOHNNY is OK, but - oh no! - his foot is stuck.

He tries to pull it out, but it won't budge. What's going to happen to him???

Ext. Video store - parking lot. NIGHT

WYATT and GARY nervously wait for JOHNNY to emerge from the burning building.

But he doesn't come.

Gary

That's it, I'm goin' in!

He starts to run back into the store.

But WYATT grabs his arm.

Wyatt

Wait, Gary!

But he doesn't have to make any more of an effort to stop him. Something else does. A great explosion.

KA-BOOM!!!

The video store explodes into smithereens.

GARY dives to the ground and shields his face.

WYATT does the same.

The video store is a great ball of fire that floats high into the sky.

And then...silence.

GARY pokes his head out of his arms and looks at what remains of the video store:

Basically, nothing...but a few flames and a little smoke. That's it.

WYATT can't believe what just happened.

Wyatt

Oh. Oh, shit.

But, then, they see something within the flames. A silhouette. A silhouette of a man. A silhouette of a man carrying something in his arms.

It's JOHNNY!

GARY

Wyatt, look! He made it!!!

JOHNNY walks up to the two boys like a great action hero at the end of a movie.

Johnny

(handing Gary the magic VCR)

Here.

GARY

Gees, Johnny. You didn't have to do that.

GARY takes the VCR from Johnny and gives it a great big hug, like it's his baby or pet.

Suddenly, they all hear sirens in the distance.

JOHNNY smells trouble.

JOHNNY

We gotta get outta here. There's not much time.

JOHNNY runs to a car in the parking lot.

GARY starts to follow.

But WYATT stops him.

Wyatt

Wait! Gary, hold on!!! Don't you think we outta stay here and tell the police what happened?

Gary

They'll never believe us, Wyatt. Come on, we gotta split.

Int. Car - in parking lot. night

JOHNNY hops into a random sports car and hot-wires the hell out of it.

Ext. Video store - parking lot. NIGHT

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrcccccchhhhhh!!!

JOHNNY peels the car into reverse.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrccccccchhhhhhhhh!!!

He peels the car into a donut.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrccccccchhhhhhhhh!!!

He peels it into another donut.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrccccccchhhhhhhhh!!!

He peels out everywhere - for no practical reason, though it looks really cool.

He finally peels the car to a stop, right next to GARY and WYATT!

Johnny

(shouting from inside the car)

You comin' or not?!

Gary

(to Wyatt)

Come on!

Wyatt

Wait, Gary! We can't steal that car!

GARY sees flashing red and blue lights in the not-too-far distance.

Gary

Come on, Wyatt! There's no time to argue here!!!

He grabs his friend by the arm and practically drags him into the car.

Int. Car - in parking lot. NIGHT

GARY jumps into the passenger seat.

WYATT jumps into the backseat.

JOHNNY revs the engine to the car.

Johnny

(as though purposely voicing a catchphrase)

Ladies and gentlemen...fasten your seat-belts.

And, with that - his foot slams the gas pedal.

Ext. Video store - in parking lot. NIGHT

Eeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrccccccccchhhhhhhhhh!!!

The car's tires scorch the pavement.

JOHNNY floors it the hell out of there.

Ext. rain-slicked street. Night

Eeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrcccccchhhhhhh! JOHNNY zooms his way down the street.

Int. Car - on rain-slicked street. night

JOHNNY drives like a madman, constantly looking into the rearview mirror to be sure nobody's tailing him.

They're going at least a hundred miles per hour down the deserted street.

WYATT pokes his head up from the backseat.

Wyatt

(to Gary)

Wyatt, tell him to slow down.

GARY nods.

Gary

Say, Johnny...don't you think we outta slow down a little? I don't think anyone's following us.

JOHNNY ignores the request.

Johnny

Take the wheel.

GARY

Huh?

JOHNNY

Take the wheel!!!

GARY grabs the wheel.

JOHNNY reaches beneath his seat and pulls out an AK-47.

WYATT sees the gun and freaks.

Wyatt

Oh, my God!

JOHNNY leans his body out the window and starts spraying bullets.

Ext. Rain-slicked street. night

The car zig-zags its way down the street.

JOHNNY sprays his bullets...but he doesn't really seem to be shooting at anyone or anything. They are the only car on the street. Nobody else is around.

Int. Car - on rain-slicked street. night

WYATT is totally freaking out.

Wyatt

Jesus! What the hell is he shooting at?

GARY tries to tug JOHNNY back into the car.

GARy

Johnny!

JOHNNY keeps shooting.

Gary (CONT'D)

Johnny!!! It's OK. There's nobody there!

JOHNNY finally pulls himself back into the car and regains control of the wheel.

GARY tries to relax the situation.

GARY (CONT'D)

Look, Johnny. I don't mean any disrespect. Me and Wyatt here are big fans of your work. Just want you to know that. But you gotta chill out, man.

Johnny

Fans of my work...what are you talking about?

GARY

I don't know if you're aware of this, but in here - in reality - you're a movie star. You're famous as hell!

JOHNNY

Really?

GARY

Yeah. Big-time.

JOHNNY (out loud v.o.)

Did I really believe him? Of course not. But I didn't wanna call his bluff. I knew he could be packing.

GARY is confused.

GARY

Ah, yeah...right. Look, Johnny, I don't think you understand what's going on. You're not in a movie anymore. Nobody's after you. Nobody wants to kill you. Nobody's even packing. You can just relax and be yourself.

JOHNNY

Myself, huh?

Gary

Yeah.

JOHNNY puts on a warm smile and lets out a sappy...

Johnny

OK. I can do that.

He noogies GARY'S head like he's suddenly his best friend ever.

Johnny (CONT'D)

I can do that.

Ext. Bar. night

The car screeches its way into the parking lot of the bar.

Int. Car - outside bar. Night

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

(driving into parking lot)

I needed to find the nearest bar and get myself a drink.

Int. Bar - at entrance. NIGHT

A large, juiced-up BOUNCER works the door to the place.

JOHNNY appears in the doorway.

The BOUNCER can't believe his eyes.

Bouncer

Finally, my prayers have been answered! Johnny Cruise! How are ya, Johnny?!

JOHNNY approaches the BOUNCER as though he's going to give him a response. But, instead he says...

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

The place was a dive and reeked like stale whiskey. But I didn't care. As long as they had hard booze I'd be happy.

Needless to say, the BOUNCER is a little confused by what JOHNNY just said. But he shakes it off.

BOUNCER

Hey, man, I loved you in "Witch Ring". That movie scared the hell outta me.

JOHNNY seems to kind of be in his own world. He completely ignores the BOUNCER and heads to the bar.

Bouncer (CONT'D)

All right...Johnny Cruise. Awesome.

GARY and WYATT appear in the bar entrance.

The BOUNCER sees them and immediately gets suspicious.

BOUNCER (CONT'D)

Hey! Are you guys twenty-one???

GARY and WYATT are scared stupid.

Gary

Um...we're with Johnny.

BOUNCER

Bull friggin' shit! All right, pimple-faces! Take a hike!!!

He begins to push them back outside.

But, suddenly, a pair of arms wrap themselves around the BOUNCER'S neck and a rag is stuffed up his nostrils.

The BOUNCER takes a whiff of whatever's on the rag and collapses to the floor within seconds.

Johnny

(to Gary and Wyatt)

Come on! Hurry up!

He waves for them to follow and he runs into the bar.

GARY and WYATT can't believe what just happened. They run to catch up with JOHNNY.

Int. Bar. Night

GARY and WYATT catch up with JOHNNY.

Wyatt

You kill that guy, Johnny?!

Johnny

Relax, he'll be fine in a cupla minutes.

Wyatt

Are you sure?

JOHNNY'S temperament goes from zero to sixty.

Johnny

I said he'd be fine! What else do you want from me?!

WYATT is frightened by the outburst.

GARY tries to calm the situation.

Gary

Relax, Johnny. You just gotta understand there's consequences to doing stuff like that in reality. People actually get hurt. OK?

JOHNNY takes a seat at the bar.

GARY and WYATT sit beside him.

JOHNNY turns to WYATT.

JOHNNY

Wyatt, look...I just wanna say I'm sorry for barking at you like that. I was outta line.

Wyatt

It's all right, Johnny. Don't worry about it.

JOHNNY

It's just this whole reality thing. It's really hard for me.

WYATT

I know what you mean. Boy do I know what you mean...

The female BARTENDER suddenly realizes who she's in the midst of.

Bartender

Wow! Johnny Cruise! Hey, I loved "Jurassic Kids".

Johnny

Huh?

He looks at WYATT, unsure of what he's supposed to say.

Wyatt

(whispering)

Just say thank you, Johnny.

JOHNNY gives the BARTENDER a million-dollar smile.

JOHNNY

Thank you.

Bartender

Get ya a drink?

Johnny

Wild Turkey.

BARTENDER

Right away.

She pours some whiskey into a glass.

JOHNNY takes a wad of pale-white movie-money out of his pocket and throws a couple bills her way.

Johnny

Keep the change.

Bartender

(looking at the money)

What's this?

GARY sees that it's fake money and realizes there could be trouble.

Gary

Uh...Johnny, this is movie money. That money's no good here.

Johnny

Why not?

GARY

Here, let me get it.

GARY whips out his wallet and pays for the drink.

JOHNNY drinks the whiskey in one gulp...but it doesn't go down well. His eyes water. His face turns red. He sweats like hell. And he collapses to the ground.

Gary and wyatt

Johnny!

He and WYATT help JOHNNY back onto the bar stool.

Meanwhile, a star-struck bar patron (a burnt-out COUGAR with a Harley Davidson shirt) shyly approaches JOHNNY and the boys. A napkin shakes in her nervous hand.

cougar

Johnny, I'm a huge fan. I loved "Edward Terrestrial". Can I get your autograph?

Johnny (Out loud v.o.)

She looked like a cross between a catfish and the witch from "The Wizard of Oz". I peered into her eyes and knew she was the one Lacivita sent to kill me...

cougar

Huh?

GARY tries to save the situation.

Gary

(smiling at the cougar)

He'd LOVE to sign it.

JOHNNY doesn't move.

GARY (CONT'D)

(whispering to Johnny)

You better sign it, Johnny. Don't wanna upset your fans. It'll hurt your career.

JOHNNY reluctantly signs the napkin with a squiggly, unidentifiable signature.

cougar

Uh...thanks, Johnny.

The BARTENDER leans her arms on the counter between GARY and WYATT.

Bartender

What are you boys drinkin'?

Wyatt

Um...

GARY clears his throat.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

(in a deeper voice)

I will have a Scotch and soda.

The BARTENDER raises her eyebrows at the request.

Bartender

Uh...ok.

The BARTENDER fetches the drink.

GARY can't believe what he's hearing.

Gary

Scotch and soda?! What are you, an old man?

WYATT

Huh?

Gary

We get into a bar, there's tons of babes around...

The only "Babes" in the bar are more burnt-out COUGARS probably named WANDA or something like that.

Gary (CONT'D)

...and you order a Scotch and soda? That's something my grandfather would drink. You gotta play it cool.

The BARTENDER hands WYATT his Scotch and soda.

Bartender

Here ya go.

(to Gary)

And for you?

GARY

(also deepening his voice)

Strawberry Dachery, please.

Ext. Bar. night

WYATT and GARY carry JOHNNY out of the bar on their shoulders. He is clearly inebriated.

Wyatt

I can't believe it, Gary! Johnny Cruise is a two-beer queer! Look at him! He's smashed!!!

Gary

Don't you get it, Wyatt?! In the movies you can have as many drinks as you want without getting drunk. He's not used to REAL drinks as a REAL human being.

WYATT

I don't know, Gary. I'm starting to think bringing Johnny into our world was a big mistake.

GARY

Relax! A cup of black coffee will set him straight.

WYATT

That's not what I mean. This whole night...it's been one huge disaster.

GARY

What are you talking about? When have we ever had this much fun?!

WYATT has nothing to say to that.

gary (CONT'D)

Come on, man. Johnny's gonna adapt just fine. Help me get him in the car.

WYATT helps him ease JOHNNY into the backseat.

WYATT

Who's gonna drive? Neither of us have our license.

Int. Car - on rain-SLICKED STREET. night

WYATT drives with his hands on ten and two o'clock.

Wyatt

Oh, God. We're gonna die. We're definitely gonna die.

GARY tends to JOHNNY in the backseat.

Gary

Come on, Wyatt. You've driven before.

WYATT

Yeah, once! With my dad in a church parking lot!!!

GARY

Well, that's better than me. You're doing great, buddy.

He takes a peek out the car window.

Gary (CONT'D)

But I think you can probably go a little faster.

Ext. Rain-slicked street. NIGHT

The car rolls down the street, going about five miles per hour.

Int. Car - on rAIN-SLICKED STREET. night

JOHNNY'S head emerges from the backseat.

Johnny

(moaning)

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh.

Wyatt

(looking in the rearview mirror)

Whose house are we gonna bring him to?

Gary

Not mine! The old man would kill me if I brought home a drunk.

WYATT

But he's no drunk. He's Johnny Cruise!

GARY

Are you kidding me, Wyatt? My dad doesn't know who Johnny Cruise is! The last movie he saw was "Ben Hur".

WYATT

Well, we can't bring him to my house. Definitely not. There's no way we're bringing him to my house.

GARY looks into the rearview mirror and gives WYATT a look.

WYATT sees the look.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

No, there's no way we're doing that. Not gonna happen, Gary!

Int. Wyatt's house - front door. Night

Everything is shut down for the night. There is silence, except for the hum of a refrigerator in the near distance and maybe some other snaps, crackles and pops from the house's bodily functions.

But, then, noise: shushes and voices and stumbles.

The front door creaks open.

GARY and WYATT help JOHNNY inside the house, trying to be as quiet as they possibly can.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

I found myself inside a house that smelt of mothballs.

GARY and WYATT try to shush him quiet.

Gary

We gotta be quiet. OK, Johnny?

Wyatt

Come on, we'll go in the basement.

They bring him further into the house.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

They said they were gonna bring me to the basement.

Gary and wyatt

Sssssshhhhhhhhh.

Int. wyatt'S HOUSE - kitchen. Night

GARY and WYATT help JOHNNY through the kitchen.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

But first we entered the kitchen. It had a fridge, stove, counters - the usual deal.

Gary and wyatt

Sssssssshhhhhhh. Be quiet!

Int. Wyatt'S HOUSE - basement. Night

GARY and WYATT lead JOHNNY down the stairs.

Suddenly, JOHNNY becomes very alert and tells them to...

Johnny

Stop!

GARY and WYATT stop.

JOHNNY acts as though he just heard something very spooky.

Johnny (CONT'D)

(whispering)

Wait here.

JOHNNY gulps and tip-toes his way down the rest of the stairs.

The basement is suddenly very eerie.

JOHNNY looks like he is some soon-to-be-murdered victim in a horror movie.

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

Hello?!

He creaks his way down another stair or two.

GARY and WYATT stay where they are.

JOHNNY enters the main part of the basement.

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

Anybody there?

GARY and WYATT tip-toe their way down the stairs, keeping a close eye on JOHNNY.

JOHNNY'S shadow moves deeper into the basement. He is like Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween.

He approaches a dark corner in the basement. He gets closer and closer and closer to it.

Int. basement - stairs. Night

GARY and WYATT get to the bottom of the stairway when, suddenly, they hear an awful...

SCREAM!

Johnny

(from somewhere in the basement)

Aaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

They run to see what's happened.

Int. Basement. Night

Flash! The lights go on. The (semi-finished) basement becomes illuminated.

GARY and WYATT run to JOHNNY'S aid.

Gary

Johnny! What's wrong?!

But there is nothing wrong with JOHNNY. He paces the floor, smoking a cigarette. It's like the past minute or so didn't even happen.

Johnny

(confused and disoriented)

Huh? What's up??? What happened?

WYATT looks down to the floor:

One of JOHNNY'S matches is on the ground and has already ignited a small fire.

Wyatt

Oh, God!

He grabs a fire extinguisher from the basement wall and puts it out.

Meanwhile, GARY escorts JOHNNY over to the couch.

Gary

Here, Johnny, I think you need some sleep.

Johnny

Yeah, I think you're right.

JOHNNY lies down on the couch and GARY covers him with a blanket.

GARY

There.

JOHNNY suddenly slips into a deep, melodramatic mood.

Johnny

You know, when I was five, my mom...she died of cancer.

GARY

Oh, really? Gees, sorry to hear that.

JOHNNY'S eyes start to mist.

Johnny

(holding back tears)

I never...I never got to say goodbye to her.

GARY

Oh. Oh, no. I'm sorry about that.

JOHNNY

You know...when I was a boy, I would dream that I was President of the United States.

GARY nods.

JOHNNY shakes his head and lets out a sad chuckle.

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

It's funny how, over time, we look in the mirror and see a reflection...

He trails off.

GARY and WYATT wait for him to finish his moving speech.

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

(shaking his head and chuckling)

Stupid son of a bitch.

GARY

Um...Johnny, I think you just need some rest. You've had a big night tonight. It's your first day in reality, after all. I'm sure you're exhausted.

JOHNNY snuggles further into the covers.

JOHNNY

Gary...Wyatt...I wanna thank you. For everything.

GARY

Uh...you're welcome.

Wyatt

Yeah...no problem.

Int. basement. later

GARY and WYATT settle themselves into sleeping bags not too far away from JOHNNY.

Wyatt

(whispering)

Jesus, Gary, how do I know my house isn't gonna end up like the video store?

Gary

Calm down, will you? He's fast asleep.

WYATT

Face it, Gary...Johnny isn't adjusting to the real world.

GARY

Chill out, Wyatt. He's only been here a few hours. He's gonna be fine.

WYATT doesn't seem to be very convinced.

Gary (CONT'D)

Look...we haven't even taken full advantage of him, yet.

Wyatt

What do you mean?

GARY

Just wait till we bring him to school tomorrow.

WYATT

School? Oh, no...that's not a good idea, Gary.

GARY

What do you mean?! Ya know how many babes he's gonna get for us?!

WYATT

I don't know, Gary...we're playing with fire here. We really don't know what Johnny's capable of doing. People could get hurt. People could get...killed.

GARY

Nothing's gonna happen, Wyatt. Trust me: everything's gonna be OK.

Int. WyATT'S HOUSE - kitchen. morning

The kitchen is your bright and cheery suburbia-deal, complete with bread box, paper towels and cute plaques above the stove that say "Bless this mess".

WYATT'S MOM is busy cooking bacon and eggs at the stove. She has curlers in her hair and is still wearing her nightgown.

WYATT'S DAD sits at the kitchen table with his back to a large window overlooking the backyard. He's sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. DAD is a nerdy-looking engineer-type, complete with oil-slicked hair, glasses and pocket protectors.

Int. Wyatt's house - behind basement door. same time

The basement door opens a crack. WYATT peers through and sees DAD sitting at the kitchen table.

Wyatt

(whispering)

Crap, they're both in the kitchen.

He shuts the door again and turns around.

GARY and JOHNNY are at the bottom of the basement stairs.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

(to Gary)

Take him out the bulkhead and sneak around back. I'll try and distract them.

Gary

Right. Come on, Johnny.

GARY and JOHNNY head back into the basement.

Int. Wyatt's house - kitchen. same time

WYATT - dressed for school - enters the kitchen from the basement door. He seems nervous and suspicious as hell.

Wyatt

Good morning, Mom. Dad...

Mom

Well look who it is. What time did you get in last night?

Wyatt

Oh, I had to work a little late. A new...a new shipment of movies came in.

Ext. wyatt's house - bulkhead. same time

GARY and JOHNNY scoot out of the cellar bulkhead and sneak around the perimeter of the house.

Int. wyatt's house - kitchen. same time

DAD takes the newspaper away from his face.

dad

Wyatt, it's come to my attention that you received a B-plus on your English paper.

WYATT

Yeah, but...

dad

You'll never get into Harvard with grades like that.

WYATT

It's Mr. Chadwick, Dad. The guy doesn't like me and I don't know why.

dad

If you don't get into Harvard, you'll never make the right contacts to be successful in life.

GARY and JOHNNY suddenly appear in the window behind DAD, staring at WYATT like deer in headlights.

WYATT

I know, Dad, but...but...

WYATT subtly nods at GARY and WYATT to keep moving before they're spotted.

dad

No more B's Wyatt? You hear me???

WYATT

Ye-yes, Sir.

Ext. wyatt's house. same time

GARY and JOHNNY continue sneaking their way down the perimeter of the house.

There are three overflowing garbage cans in their way. JOHNNY seems to almost purposely crash into them and CA-CLANG!!! It makes a hell of a noise.

Int. WyaTT'S HOUSE - kitchen. same time

The crash from outside is easily heard from the kitchen.

dad

Now what the devil???

He jumps up from the table.

WYATT chases after him.

Wyatt

No, Dad! Wait!!!

ext. Wyatt'S HOUSE - backyard. same time

DAD bursts out the back door and runs into the yard.

He sees a man (JOHNNY) lying face-down amidst a pile of disgusting garbage.

GARY stands beside the mess, looking like the cat who swallowed the canary.

dad

What in the world. Say...what's the meaning of this, Gary?

GARY

Um...uh...

WYATT comes running up behind his DAD and sees JOHNNY buried in the garbage.

WYATT

(under his breath)

Oh, shit.

dad

(referring to Johnny)

Who in the name of the Lord is THAT?

WYATT

Um...Dad, this is Johnny Cruise. Johnny...this is my Dad.

JOHNNY gets onto his feet and wipes himself off.

Johnny

(to Dad)

Give me one good reason I shouldn't just kill you right now.

dad

Johnny Cruise...wait a minute. He's real successful in the picture business.

(to Wyatt)

How'd you meet him?

Wyatt

Oh, he came into the video store last night. We really hit it off. I guess you could say we're pretty good friends now.

dad

That's great networking, Wyatt! This kind of contact may really pay off in the future.

WYATT

Um...yeah, Dad.

(to himself)

Whatever you say.

Gary

Well, we better get going.

WYATT

Yeah, we're late for school, Dad.

GARY

Nice seeing you, Sir.

GARY escorts JOHNNY out of the yard.

dad

All right, kids. Have a good day.

WYATT follows GARY and JOHNNY'S lead. He's almost outside of the yard when DAD calls him back.

dad

(sternly)

Wyatt!

Wyatt stops short and turns around.

Wyatt

Ye-yes, Sir???

DAD smiles for what seems like it may be the first time in his life.

dad

Proud of ya, son.

WYATT

Thanks, Dad.

WYATT smiles and heads for school.

Ext. School yard. Day

Bbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiing! The first bell of the day rings.

The usual JOCKS, GOTHS, DWEEBS, CLASS PRESIDENTS and IDIOTS mill around in their respective social circles.

WYATT and GARY enter the schoolyard with JOHNNY, who is somewhat disguised with sunglasses. Nobody recognizes him yet.

Gary

(to Wyatt)

Look at all these losers, Wyatt. Who's friends with Johnny Cruise? We are!

WYATT seems much more nervous than his buddy.

Wyatt

Yeah...I guess.

GARY

So, Johnny...

He looks for JOHNNY. But JOHNNY'S gone!

GARY (CONT'D)

(looking all around for him)

Johnny!

JOHNNY is up a few feet ahead of GARY and WYATT. He's standing with his back up to the side of the school entrance, looking like a war soldier executing a special-forces mission.

He waves GARY and WYATT in.

Johnny

Move! Move!!!

GARY and WYATT indulge him and scurry through the entrance.

Int. School - front lobby. day

The lobby consists of a long, red carpet with the school logo printed on it. There are also trophy-cases on the far wall. And student artwork from the art classes.

GARY and WYATT come running through the entrance. JOHNNY runs in behind them and then puts his back up to the wall adjacent to the door, as though shielding himself from gunfire or something.

WYATT

Gary...

Gary

I'll handle this.

GARY takes JOHNNY'S hand, pulls him to the side and tries to calm him down.

GARY

Look, Johnny. Let me try and get this through your head. You're not in a movie anymore. You're not a character. You're a human being. Just be yourself.

JOHNNY

I've been trying, Gary. But I don't know how. Maybe my self is in there somewhere, but there's too many characters getting in the way.

GARY

Well, just act the way I do. You know, cool and hip. Here, let's try to have a really basic conversation. When I say, "Yo, what's happenin', Johnny?" What do you say?

JOHNNY

Um...um...take a dramatic pause?

GARY

No.

JOHNNY

Cut to a montage sequence?

GARY

'Fraid not.

JOHNNY

Cut you off at the pass?

GARY

No-no, Johnny. Keep it simple. Say "nuthin' much". What's happenin'? Nuthin' much.

JOHNNY

Nuthin' much.

GARY

See, he's getting it Wyatt! I'm not concerned.

(bossily)

All right, let's go.

Int. School office. DAY

GARY and WYATT walk into the office with JOHNNY.

MRS. BELL - the school secretary - lifts her head up from her paperwork.

gary

Um...hi, Mrs. Bell. We'd like to sign in a visitor for the day.

Mrs. Bell

Who?

GARY steps to the side and reveals JOHNNY.

GARY

Um...Johnny. Johnny Cruise.

JOHNNY takes a step up to the secretary desk and removes his sunglasses.

MRS. BELL is star-struck.

MRS. BELL

Johnny Cruise! I loved you in "Weekend at Miss Daisy's".

JOHNNY leans towards MISS BELL, pauses a moment - as if to tell her something - but then says...

Johnny (out loud V.O.)

The school environment reminded me of -

GARY nudges JOHNNY with his elbow.

Johnny (CONT'D)

Oh...um.

(struggling with the words)

Yo. What's. Happenin'?

MRS. BELL is a tad confused.

MRS. BELL

Oh, well, nothing much, Johnny.

JOHNNY smiles, knowing he said the right thing.

GARY

Yeah, um, Johnny just wants to hang with us for the day. He's doing research...for a new movie.

Mrs. Bell

Um...well, ok. No problem.

Int. front of class. DAY

English class is back in session. And MR. CHADWICK stands at his usual place behind his favorite wooden podium.

Mr. chadwick

(reading out of his paperback)

"He looked at the waves coming into the shore, one breaking after another...and he realized that those waves...were his life."

MR. CHADWICK looks up from the book and out to the class. He shakes his head from side to side, absolutely awed by how brilliant the passage is.

Mr. chadwick (CONT'D)

Ok, class. Who wants to comment?

TODD skyrockets his hand into the air.

MR. CHADWICK blushes at the sight of TODD'S hand.

MR. CHADWICK (CONT'D)

Yes, Todd!

TODD has another pile of index cards nestled in his crotch.

Todd

(looking down to the cards)

Well, I think the waves are a kind of...

The top card has "Brechtian" written on it.

Todd (CONT'D)

...Brechtian device that are used in a...

The index card has "Kafka" written on it.

Todd (CONT'D)

...Kafka...

And "esque".

Todd (CONT'D)

...esque manner. I think it's also a...

"Paradox."

Todd (CONT'D)

...paradox.

MR. CHADWICK nearly creams himself from all the intellectual excitement.

Mr. chadwick

Yes. Yes!!! Nice job, Todd.

MR. CHADWICK looks out to the rest of the class.

Mr. chadwick (CONT'D)

Anyone else with a comment?

He looks around and eventually spots a new person (JOHNNY) sitting at a desk towards the back.

Mr. chadwick (CONT'D)

(pointing)

You there.

JOHNNY looks up from the desk.

Johnny

Huh?

Mr. chadwick

Are you new here?

GARY fills MR. CHADWICK in.

gary

He's our guest, Mr. Chadwick.

MR. CHADWICK

Well, that doesn't excuse him from class participation.

(to Johnny)

You there. What's your name?

JOHNNY looks at GARY in confusion, not sure what he's supposed to do.

GARY

(to Johnny)

I got it, Johnny.

(to Mr. Chadwick)

He's...

He eyeballs his classmates, eager to see how they'll react.

Gary (CONT'D)

...Johnny Cruise, Sir.

MR. chadwick

Who?

JOHNNY removes his sunglasses.

Everybody in the classroom gasps. A couple of GIRLS even scream.

MR. CHADWICK blushes at the sight of JOHNNY.

MR. CHADWICK (CONT'D)

Wait a minute...THE Johnny Cruise! Why, I loved you in "Shakespeare's List"!

JOHNNY still doesn't really know what to say in response. He looks over to GARY and then WYATT and then - almost as though he has no control - starts his voice over...

JOHNNY (out loud v.o.)

The teacher looked like a four eyed...

But GARY quickly covers JOHNNY'S mouth with his hand, muzzling him.

Gary

Johnny's a friend of me and Wyatt's.

JOHNNY continues his voice-over, still muffled by GARY'S hand.

LINDSAY MYERS can't believe her eyes. She's absolutely star-struck.

WYATT notices how star-struck she is and knows that having Johnny around may make him cooler after all.

TODD, however, doesn't seem to be so excited. He seems pissed that he may not be the "big man on campus" anymore.

As for MR. CHADWICK, he keeps blushing behind his podium.

Mr. chadwick

Wyatt, you're friends with Johnny Cruise???

Wyatt

Yes, Sir.

MR. CHADWICK

Why didn't you tell me so?

Wyatt

I...uh...never thought it was important.

MR. CHADWICK

Wyatt, please make a comment about the waves.

WYATT

The waves? Oh, well, I think they're...I dunno...hyperbole?

MR. CHADWICK

Yes. Yes, precisely. Wyatt, that's a much better comment than Todd's.

WYATT smiles in delight.

TODD is miffed.

Int. Cafeteria. DAY

GARY, WYATT and JOHNNY enter the cafeteria and start passing through the rows of long, rectangular tables.

HEADS turn.

There's gossip.

And whispers.

Students

Hey...is that Johnny Cruise? It's Johnny Cruise. Is it really him???

GARY and WYATT love every minute of the attention.

Int. Cafeteria - another table. same time

Meanwhile, in another area of the cafeteria, a big BULLY is in the process of harassing a NERD.

Bully

Give me your milk money! Come on, give it to me! Give it to me!!!

The NERD resists.

NErd

No, stop!

The BULLY snatches the money out of the NERD'S hands and makes a run for it.

Nerd (CONT'D)

Somebody stop him!

Int. Cafeteria. same time

JOHNNY looks in the direction of the commotion and sees the BULLY running off with the money. He knows exactly what he has to do.

He runs after him...and thus ensues an amazing chase sequence throughout the cafeteria.

The BULLY runs and peers over his shoulder and sees he's being pursued. He turns on the freggen' turbo!

JOHNNY is hot on his trail.

The BULLY hops up on a cafeteria table and kicks everybody's trays of food out of his way.

JOHNNY jumps onto the table and continues pursuing him.

The BULLY hops down from the table.

JOHNNY does the same.

The BULLY runs and then stops, grabs a full tray of food, turns and chucks it at JOHNNY.

JOHNNY dodges the tray and it goes crashing to the floor behind him.

The BULLY runs and runs and runs!

JOHNNY chases and chases and chases him!

The BULLY keeps running, but he's now gasping for air and slowing down his pace a bit.

JOHNNY grabs a tray from off one of the tables and throws it like a boomerang to the back of the BULLY'S knees.

The tray hits the BULLY'S legs. His knees give out and he collapses to the ground.

BULLY

Ugh!

JOHNNY catches up with the BULLY, snatches the milk money out of his hand and says...

Johnny

(as though voicing a catch-phrase)

Have a nice trip...

GARY and WYATT can't believe what they just saw.

Gary

Wow, Johnny! That was awesome!!!

They run up to him and give him high-fives.

STUDENTS at the surrounding tables cheer and hoot and holler. Oh, how the mighty BULLY has fallen!

JOHNNY smiles and gives GARY and WYATT a wink.

Fade to:

Int. further into CafETERIA. a bit later

GARY and WYATT lead JOHNNY into a deeper section of the cafeteria. They stop when they see...

LINDSAY MYERS, sitting with her usual table of COOL KIDS.

Gary

There she is...

WYATT gazes at her with the most untamed look of love in his eyes.

But he notices somebody's sitting beside her:

TODD!

His eyes squint into a look of sheer disdain.

GARY starts massaging WYATT'S shoulders.

GARY (CONT'D)

All right, Wyatt. This is your chance.

GARY grabs JOHNNY by the arm and pulls him over to WYATT.

GARY (CONT'D)

Take him. He's all yours.

WYATT is hesitant.

Wyatt

I don't know...

GARY

Wyatt, what are you afraid of? You're best friends with Johnny Cruise. If Lindsay doesn't like you now, then screw her. You can get any girl you want!

WYATT'S confidence grows.

WYATT

Yeah?

GARY

Yeah!

WYATT gives his breath a whiff, takes a deep breath and puffs out his chest with an air of confidence.

He grabs JOHNNY by the arm and leads him in the direction of Lindsay Myers.

WYATT

Come on, Johnny!

GARY stays behind and watches his friend make his moves.

Int. cafeteria - lindsay's table. day

WYATT and JOHNNY approach Lindsay's table.

LINDSAY looks up from her conversation with TODD and spots JOHNNY CRUISE coming her way. She does a double-take.

WYATT sees LINDSAY looking in their direction and quickly turns around - pretending not to notice her.

Lindsay

(nodding in the direction of Johnny)

Hey, there he is.

All the COOL KIDS look up from the table.

Cool kids

Huh? Where???

JOHNNY and WYATT nonchalantly hang out where they are.

LINDSAY gets up from the table and approaches them.

LINDSAY

Hey!

WYATT turns around but plays it cool.

Wyatt

Oh, hey.

LINDSAY

Aren't you in my English class?

WYATT

Am I? Um...let's see...yeah, you look kinda familiar.

LINDSAY

Cool.

(getting to the point)

Hey...is that really Johnny Cruise right there?

WYATT

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

LINDSAY

You actually know him?

WYATT

Well, yeah. Of course.

LINDSAY

Whoa, that's awesome. Do you think he'd give me his autograph?

Suddenly, one of the HOT BABES from the table appears behind LINDSAY.

Hot babe

And me?

And an even HOTTER BABE.

Hotter babe

And me?

Wyatt

Um...yeah. I'm sure he can do that.

JOHNNY is in his own little movie world.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Hey, Johnny!

JOHNNY turns around and locks eyes with LINDSAY. His gaze says it all: love at first sight!

LINDSAY'S hair blows in the wind. She moves in slow motion. Romantic saxophone-esque music seems to come out of nowhere and underscores what's happening.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

She came like an angel out of heaven. I took one look at her and knew she was the one.

LINDSAY is flattered by JOHNNY'S passionate words.

Lindsay

Oh. Oh, my...

WYATT doesn't like what he hears one bit.

WYATT

Uh...yeah, Johnny - can you give Lindsay an autograph?

JOHNNY

Anything for the lady.

He scribbles out an autograph for her.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

(while writing)

She stood there watching me with those beautiful green eyes of hers. I felt my heart go pitter-patter. It was love at first sight...

Int. cafeteria - by gary. Day

Meanwhile...GARY watches his friend WYATT from a distance.

Suddenly, a couple of HOT BABES approach him.

Hot babe

Hey, your name's Gary, right?

Gary

(extremely nervous)

Uh...yeah. Think so. Yep.

HOT BABE

Hey...is that Johnny Cruise over there?

GARY

Oh, Johnny? Yeah...close friend. Like a brother. Father I never had.

The HOT BABES are pretty turned on.

HOT BABEs

Cool.

GARY flashes them a smile full of metal braces.

Int. cafeteria - by lindsay myers. DAY

JOHNNY hands his autograph to LINDSAY.

Lindsay

Gee...thanks, Johnny.

JOHNNY locks eyes with her again. More super-romantic music seems to come out of nowhere, underscoring the romantic gaze.

WYATT still doesn't like what he sees.

But, suddenly, TODD (still sitting at the table) calls out to her. He doesn't look too happy.

Todd

(from the table)

Hey, Lindsay! I wasn't done talking to you!

LINDSAY

(calling over to him)

Be right there, Todd!

(to Wyatt and Johnny)

Hey...I'm having a big party at my house tonight. You guys should stop by.

The word 'party' pricks up WYATT'S ears.

Wyatt

Oh...yeah, sure. We'd love to. Can I bring anything, or...

LINDSAY

Um...no. Bring some beer if you want.

WYATT

Ok, great. Sounds good.

LINDSAY smiles.

Lindsay

Cool, see ya there.

LINDSAY goes back to her table.

Int. cafeteria - bY GARY. DAY

Meanwhile...GARY continues to work his mojo with the HOT BABES.

Hot babes

So...you goin' to Lindsay Myers' party tonight?

Gary

Oh...uh...gees...I...

Suddenly, WYATT comes out of nowhere and saves his friend.

Wyatt

Yes, we are.

GARY

(to Wyatt)

We are?

WYATT nods.

Gary (CONT'D)

(to the hot babes)

Yep, we are. Yeah, we're always there. We're bringing the dip, actually, so yeah, we plan on getting there pretty early.

The HOT BABES see JOHNNY and become star-struck.

Hot babe

Wow! Johnny Cruise! It is you!

GARY nudges WYATT.

GARY

(whispering to him)

We're so in, man.

Int. galleria. DAY

The GALLERIA is a two-level shopping mall with a Gap, Sears, Orange Julius, movie theater and other teenage favorites.

GARY and WYATT make their way through the top level of the mall with JOHNNY following close behind them. He looks distracted and detached.

Every once in a while a hot GIRLY notices JOHNNY CRUISE and points at him.

GARY loves every minute of the attention. He waves back at the GIRLIES like he's a celebrity or politician.

Gary

Hey, girls. How are ya?

JOHNNY puts his hands on GARY and WYATT'S shoulders.

johnny

So tell me why we're here again?

Gary

We're buying some new suits for tonight, Johnny. I thought we already went over this.

JOHNNY

Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to establish the scene here.

GARY rolls his eyes.

GARY

Johnny, this isn't a scene. This is just...real life. Remember?

JOHNNY

Right, right I forgot. Sorry, Gary.

GARY

Hey, don't worry about it.

Wyatt

Do we really need a suit? I think people usually just dress casual for these kinda parties.

GARY

Trust me, I know what I'm doing, Wyatt. All eyes are gonna be on us tonight. We gotta dress to impress.

Int. Men's department store. Day

GARY, WYATT and JOHNNY enter the store, which is like a Filene's or Macy's type-of-deal.

GARY immediately sees a cool suit on one of the store's mannequins - like something worn by a Euro pop-star in the 80s.

Gary

Now this is what I'm talkin' about.

And, within a second...

JOHNNY

Hey, guys...

GARY and WYATT turn around.

Johnny (CONT'D)

How do I look?

JOHNNY stands within the entrance to a dressing room, dressed in a wacky, 1970s-style leisure suit.

GARY and WYATT can't help but laugh.

Gary

Maybe...uh...hahaha...we should try something else. Hahaha!!!

JOHNNY bursts into laughs with GARY and WYATT.

And from here starts an obligatory 1980s-style montage sequence.

Int. Men's dEPARTMENT STORE - outside dressing rooms. DAY (montage)

JOHNNY walks out of the dressing room wearing a bright pink suit with a top hat.

GARY and WYATT shake their heads in disapproval.

JOHNNY reenters the dressing room.

Int. Men's department STORE - outside dressing rooms. DAY

JOHNNY walks out of the dressing room wearing a black tuxedo with a monocle and a curly mustache. He kind of looks like Mr. Peanut!!!

GARY and WYATT shake their heads in disapproval.

JOHNNY scoots back in to change.

Int. Men's departMENT STORE - outside dressing rooms. DAY

JOHNNY exits the dressing room wearing a priest's outfit.

GARY and WYATT disapprove.

Int. Men's deparTMENT STORE - outside dressing rooms. DAY

JOHNNY exits the dressing room wearing a nun's outfit (habit and all).

Needless to say, GARY and WYATT don't approve.

Int. Men'S DEPARTMENT STORE - outside dRESSING ROOMS. DAY

JOHNNY exits the dressing room wearing the suit GARY saw when he first walked in the store. It's one of the hippest suits GARY and WYATT have ever seen.

GARY and WYATT approve of this outfit. Two thumbs up!!!

GARY, WYATT and JOHNNY give each other a big, slow-motion high-five!

Int. galleria - outside men's department store. Day (end montage)

GARY, WYATT and JOHNNY exit the department store carrying a bunch of shopping bags in their arms. They giggle and give each other high-fives. Boy did they have a fun time inside that store!

Johnny

So...what do you maniacs want to do now???

Gary

Food court!

(to Wyatt)

Babe-central.

He wiggles his eyebrows up and down.

WYATT

You already got some babes earlier today. Let's not press our luck.

GARY

Come on, Wyatt. Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime.

WYATT

Fine.

GARY

(grabbing Johnny)

Come on, Johnny.

Int. galleria - food court. DAY

GARY, WYATT and JOHNNY enter the food court, which is a standard shopping mall food court with the predictable types of fast food chains (e.g. Burger King, Sbarro's and Panda Express).

To no surprise, there are a bunch of HOT BABES looking at them.

Gary

This is crazy. We can get any girl we want with this guy.

(to everybody in the food court)

Johnny Cruise here! Hey, everybody! Johnny Cruise here!

Wyatt

Gary, shut up!

GARY laughs.

Then, a couple HOTTIES approach them.

HOTTIES

Oh my God, Johnny Cruise! You're friends with Johnny Cruise?!

Gary

Yep.

hotties

Oh! Johnny!

Soon, more HOTTIES appear.

Hotties

Johnny! Oh, my God!

And more HOTTIES.

HOTTIES

Johnny! I love you!

And even more.

HOTTIES

Johnny! Johnny!

Soon, there are swarms of HOTTIES all around JOHNNY, screaming like Beatles fans.

GARY starts to realize that this isn't the best situation in the world.

The HOTTIES start pressing in on JOHNNY, grabbing his clothes, poking at him, and snapping photos without permission. Needless to say, he starts to feel uneasy.

He tries to back up and get some space.

But the HOTTIES keep pressing in on him.

hotties

Johnny! Johnny!

WYATT and GARY know things are getting ugly.

Wyatt

Shit, Gary...what do we do?

GARY plows his way through the HOTTIES and eventually gets to Johnny.

Gary

(grabbing Johnny's hand)

Come on, Johnny. We gotta get out of here, man.

They try to plow their way through what is now a huge CROWD OF FANS. But it's way too dense.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

They came at me from all sides!

JOHNNY slips into combat-mode.

A FAN grabs his arm.

Fan

Johnny! Johnny!

POW!

JOHNNY punches the FAN in the gut.

The FAN falls to the ground.

GARY can't believe what he's seeing.

Another two crazy FANATICS come running at him.

FANATICS

Oh, my God! Johnny! We love you!!!

JOHNNY grabs both of them by the arm and hurls them over both shoulders.

GARY is scared.

Gary

Johnny, what are you doing? These are your fans!!!

He leads JOHNNY further through the pack of FANS.

Fans

Johnny! Johnny!!!

GARY and JOHNNY eventually meet back up with WYATT.

GARY

Come on, Wyatt!

WYATT follows them out of the food court.

But JOHNNY and the boys can't get very far. They come to a SWARM OF FANS that makes all the others seem like a joke.

Fans

Hey, Johnny!!! Johnny! Johnny! Over here, Johnny!!!

GARY and WYATT screech to a stop.

JOHNNY gets ready to fight.

The FANS come charging at JOHNNY.

GARY and WYATT are in the FANS' path. They look at each other and...

GARY and wyatt

Aaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh!!!

SCREAM!!!

They dive to safety.

POW! PUNCH! PUNCH! BAM!

JOHNNY and the FANS engage in one of the most amazing fights ever!

POW! JOHNNY punches a fan right in the face.

Fan

Aaaaagggggggghhhhhh!

GARY and WYATT watch everything from the floor. They've seen some crazy crap in the past two days, but this is the craziest!!!

POW! PUNCH! JAB!

JOHNNY hops onto tables!

JOHNNY swings on chandeliers!

JOHNNY does more amazing stunts!

The last few seconds of the fight play themselves out.

JOHNNY is the victor!!!

He looks around to see if there are any more FANS who want a piece of him.

The FANS stay where they are. They don't dare go near him.

GARY and WYATT suddenly come running out of nowhere.

Gary

(grabbing Johnny's arm)

Come on, Johnny! We gotta go, man! We really gotta go!!!

JOHNNY leaves the food court with them.

Int. galleria - escalator. Day

GARY, WYATT and JOHNNY ride the escalator down.

Gary

Johnny! That was really messed up, man! Those were your fans!

Johnny

If they were my fans, why were they attacking me?

GARY

I don't know...that's just what they do. But you can't go and hurt them like that! They won't like you anymore. Your career will be ruined!

WYATT pulls GARY to the side.

Wyatt

Face it, Gary. He doesn't understand. He doesn't belong here. We gotta send him back.

GARY

Wyatt, are you nuts?! We're in, man! We're finally popular! You're gonna get Lindsay Myers and I'm gonna get laid. It worked!

WYATT

But at what price, Gary? If Johnny spends another day in reality he could end up killing somebody. I don't wanna live with that on my conscience.

GARY gradually realizes that his friend is right.

Gary

All right, look: we'll send him back tomorrow. After the party!

WYATT

Gary...

GARY

What about Lindsay Myers? She's never gonna like you if you don't show up with Johnny tonight.

WYATT

She's never gonna like me if I DO show up with Johnny.

GARY

What are you talking about? She was hot for you today! I was watching...

WYATT

She was hot for Johnny. Not me.

GARY

That's not true.

WYATT is sick of the bickering.

WYATT

All right, Gary. We bring him to the party. But, after that...party's over. Understand?

GARY gives WYATT a nod.

Suddenly, they see a group of PARAMEDICS dart past them, quickly followed by a group of COPS.

Gary

(under his breath)

Yikes.

Ext. galleria. DAY

Flashing red and blue lights.

There are ambulances and police cruisers and news vans all over the place.

A news reporter named FRAN MUCHAS GRACIAS reports live from outside the mall.

Fran Muchas-Gracias

(into microphone)

Fran Muchas-Gracias here, live at the Riverside Valley galleria. Everything looks tame here now, but a couple hours ago this shopping mall was the scene of a very bizarre brawl.

Ext. Mansion. Day

It is a Mediterranean-style home made with cream-colored stucco and wrought-iron windows. The place looks creepy and haunted.

Int. Mansion. day

The interior is big, cold, empty, eerie and seemingly haunted.

The sound of a 5.1 surround-sound television echoes from somewhere inside the enormous place.

Int. Mansion - living room. day

JOHN CRUISE (the real Johnny Cruise), late 30s, vedges on a couch in the enormous living room. He looks exactly like JOHNNY CRUISE, except he is much less movie-star-like. His hair is not as well-groomed. His face is not as clean-shaven. His teeth aren't as white. His nose isn't as perfect. In short, he is much uglier than JOHNNY.

There is also another big difference: JOHN is a complete junky!

He brings a steamy bowl of weed up to his lips and takes an enormous toke.

A cloud of smoke seeps out of his mouth/nostrils as he exhales.

A giant, widescreen television is on in the far corner of the room.

FRAN MUCHAS GRACIAS resumes her live report from the shopping mall.

Fran muchas-gracias

(on TV)

International superstar Johnny Cruise...

The name 'JOHNNY CRUISE' gets JOHN'S attention.

Fran muchas-gracias (CONT'D)

...allegedly attacked his fans while they were eating peacefully in the mall's food court.

JOHN stares blankly at the TV screen with his stoned, bloodshot eyes.

John

Huh?

Int. galleria - food court. DAY (on tv)

FRAN MUCHAS GRACIAS interviews an AUTOGRAPH HOUND (middle-aged fat guy with long greasy hair). He was one of the guys who got "attacked" by JOHNNY.

autograph hound

(into the microphone)

It was a nightmare. Traumatic. When one of your favorite movie stars comes and punches you in the face - just like that. Totally unprovoked. How do you think it's gonna feel?

Int. Mansion - living room. day

JOHN places his steamy bowl of weed onto a nearby coffee table. And he slowly sits upright.

Suddenly, the phone rings!

JOHN is too stoned to answer it. He lets the answering machine pick up.

Publicist

(over machine)

Jesus Christ, Johnny, you ok? What the hell happened at that mall? Are you having a melt-down? Call me as soon as you get this. We gotta come up with a statement! And fast!

The PUBLICIST hangs up.

JOHN vegetates on the couch - stoned as hell - staring into space.

He lifts his finger up to his nostril and does a bump of cocaine.

The phone rings again. The answering machine picks up.

Publicist

(over machine)

Johnny, you in yet? Come on, brutha! I'm flooded with phone calls!

CLICK! The PUBLICIST hangs up.

JOHN grabs a bottle of whiskey from off the coffee table and takes a long, hard guzzle.

RING! goes the phone again.

And...the answering machine picks up.

PUBLICIST

(over machine)

Johnny! You there? Pick up! I'm...I'm...I can't hold them off any longer. They need a statement.

There is commotion in the background. And, then, a scream!

PUBLICIST (CONT'D)

(over machine)

Aaaaaggggghhhhh!!!

JOHN finally gets up from the couch, takes one last toke from his steaming bowl of weed and heads out of the mansion.

Ext. Mansion - at gate. Day

It is a huge golden gate with the initials 'J' and 'C' mounted in the center, interwoven with each other like Tony Montana's.

The 'J' and 'C' come apart.

The gates start to open.

A roaring red Ferrari scorches its way down the driveway and burns its way out of the gates.

Ext. Lindsay Myer's house. night

The trees are covered in toilet paper. Beer cans are everywhere. Loud music echoes out the windows. Booming bass from rap music rattles the foundation. There is clearly an outrageous party going on inside this house. Actually, some of the party is even taking place outside!

GARY, WYATT and JOHNNY move up the walkway to the house, dressed in the matching, super-hip suits that were probably cooler in the 80s.

WYATT is clearly very nervous.

Wyatt

I don't feel so good. Maybe I should just skip out on this one.

Gary

What?

WYATT

I'll go to the next party.

Gary

I don't get it, Wyatt. What do you have to be nervous about anymore? You KNOW Johnny Cruise. You're cooler than anyone at this party...except Johnny Cruise.

WYATT nods his head.

WYATT

All right.

Gary

Now, you brought the rubbers, right?

WYATT takes a strip of plastic-wrapped condoms out of his pocket and holds them out for GARY.

GARY tears off a few and pockets them.

GARY (CONT'D)

(pocketing the rubbers)

All right. Let's go.

(to Johnny)

Come on, Johnny.

Int. Lindsay myer's house. NIGHT

It's party time!!!

The COOL KIDS are having a great time, dancing and boozing and funneling beers. There's Beer Pong and flip-cup and keg-stands and all sorts of other crazy stuff going on.

Suddenly, the front door to the house opens.

The current music stops and one of the coolest songs ever heard starts playing over the stereo.

GARY and WYATT appear in the door.

Conversations halt.

Heads turn.

All eyes are on GARY and WYATT.

They strut into the party - in slow motion.

JOHNNY is right behind them, walking just as cool as can be.

The COOL KIDS can't believe what they're seeing.

WYATT and GARY keep moving through the room - with the confidence of two billionaire kings.

Everybody is in awe. The COOL KIDS suddenly aren't so cool anymore. GARY and WYATT have usurped their positions of coolness.

LINDSAY MYERS is in the corner of the room, talking to TODD. She sees JOHNNY has arrived and she runs over to greet him.

TODD - on the other hand - isn't happy to see JOHNNY at all.

Lindsay

(to Gary, Wyatt and Johnny)

Glad you guys could make it!

WYATT gives her a shy smile.

JOHNNY'S eyes lock with LINDSAY'S. LINDSAY'S hair blows in the wind all over again. She's in slow motion. Romantic music comes from out of nowhere - just like before.

Johnny (OuT LOUD V.O.)

She came like an angel out of heaven. I took one look at her and knew she was the one.

WYATT tries to weasel his way between JOHNNY and LINDSAY.

Wyatt

(to Lindsay)

Great party!

But LINDSAY is paying JOHNNY more mind than WYATT. She doesn't even give WYATT eye contact.

Lindsay

Thanks.

Suddenly, the HOT BABE from the cafeteria comes out of nowhere and taps GARY on the back.

Hot babE

Hey!

GARY turns around.

Gary

Hey!

Hot babe

You made it!!!

GARY

Yeah, I made it!

HOT BABE

(to Johnny)

Hi, Johnny.

JOHNNY'S eyes are still on LINDSAY.

JohnnY

(out the corner of his mouth)

Hey.

HOT BABE

(to Gary)

Wanna go some place and talk?

GARY can't believe what he's hearing. He turns around and gives WYATT a look.

WYATT gives him a supportive nod and wink.

Gary

Yeah, I'd love to go somewhere and talk. Talking's good. Yeah...

The HOT BABE takes GARY by the hand and leads him up a flight of stairs.

LINDSAY nervously asks JOHNNY...

Lindsay

Johnny, would YOU like to go some place and talk???

JOHNNY'S eyes start to mist.

Johnny

I'd like that.

But, suddenly, TODD comes out of nowhere and gets in JOHNNY'S face.

Todd

Listen, Johnny: I'm a big fan, but back off. She's mine!

LINDSAY rolls her eyes.

Lindsay

There's nothing between us, Todd!

Todd

Yeah right there isn't.

He grabs her and starts to lead her upstairs.

Todd (CONT'D)

Come on...you're comin' with me!

LINDSAY struggles to free herself.

lindsay

Let go of me! Let go!!!

JOHNNY taps TODD on the shoulder.

TODD turns around.

Johnny

Hey, Todd. Want some punch?

JOHNNY holds out a cup of punch with his left hand.

Todd

Huh?

And with his right hand...

POW! He punches TODD'S lights out.

TODD topples onto the floor, knocked out-cold.

JOHNNY

There you go. There's ya punch.

LINDSAY is incredibly turned on by JOHNNY'S bravery. She grabs his hand and runs upstairs with him.

WYATT is left all alone - feeling embarrassed and awkward.

One of the PARTY ANIMALS comes over and sees TODD on the floor, completely unconscious.

Party animal

Whoa! What happened?

(to Wyatt)

You do this?!

Wyatt

Huh? Oh...um...well...

PARTY ANIMAL

All right, man! It's about time someone did that!

He slaps WYATT five.

Party Animal (CONT'D)

Need a beer?

Wyatt

Um...uh...yeah, sure.

ext. galleria - main entrance. night

EEEeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhh!!!

JOHN'S Ferrari roars up to the entrance and buuuuurrrrrnnsss to a stop.

Int. Ferrari - parked at galleria entrance. Night

JOHN kills the engine and immediately starts chugging five nips of Vodka - one after the other.

Ext. galleria - main entrance. NIGHT

JOHNNY storms out of his car and heads into the mall.

He takes a bottle of prescription pills out of his pocket and pours them all into his mouth.

Int. galleria - food court. night

Police tape blocks off the scene of the 'crime'.

Hundreds of SHOPPERS are gathered around the police tape, gossiping about what happened.

JOHN weaves his way through the CROWDS OF PEOPLE. He has dark sunglasses on, so nobody can detect who he is.

He eventually comes to a SCRAWNY TEENAGER bragging to his friends about what he saw.

Scrawny teenager

Yeah, so it was, like, this and then wham, and then bam...

He acts out what happened with his body.

JOHN overhears the SCRAWNY TEENAGER and approaches him.

John

Hey!

The SCRAWNY TEENAGER turns around.

John (CONT'D)

You saw what happened?

SCRAWNY TEENAGER

(proudly)

I saw the whole thing. Johnny went totally ape-shit on some fans. It was awesome!

JOHN

Did you see where he went afterwards?

SCRAWNY TEENAGER

Yeah, he ran off with Gary and Wyatt.

JOHN

Gary and Wyatt? Do you know where I can find them?

SCRAWNY TEENAGER

Uh...well, rumor has it they were invited to Lindsay Myers' party tonight.

The SCRAWNY TEENAGER grows suspicious of who he's talking to.

Scrawny teenager (CONT'D)

Hey...do I know you? You look kinda familiar...

JOHN ignores the question.

John

Tell me...how do I get to this Lindsay's house?

Int. Lindsay myers' house - master bedroom. night

LINDSAY and JOHNNY sit on the edge of the bed together.

An awkward silence hovers between them.

Johnny

This is...this is a really great party.

Lindsay

Thanks.

There is more awkward silence.

JOHNNY notices a framed family photo atop the night stand. He picks it up and gives it a look.

JOHNNY

This your family?

LINDSAY

Yeah...

JOHNNY

(pointing to a little girl in the photo)

That you?

LINDSAY

Yep, that's me.

Johnny

Woody the Woodpecker shirt, huh?

LINDSAY

(smiling)

It was my favorite cartoon.

JOHNNY looks up from the photo and stares into LINDSAY'S eyes.

JOHNNY

It was my favorite cartoon, too.

LINDSAY meets his gaze.

lindsay

(laughing like Woody)

Huh-huh-huh-hee-hee. Huh-huh-huh-hee-hee.

They finish the laugh together, like two soul mates who have just reunited.

JOHNNY and lindsay

Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

They lean in to each other and share a passionate kiss. JOHNNY tosses the photo to the side and they start making out hot and heavily.

Int. Lindsay myers' house - another bedroom. night

GARY sits on the edge of a twin-sized bed with the HOT BABE. From the looks of the Spiderman curtains and Star Wars bed spread, it can be assumed that this is probably LINDSAY MYERS' little brother's room.

Things are kind of awkward between GARY and the HOT BABE as well.

GARY is nervous as a Nelly.

Gary

(voice cracking)

Great party, huh?

The HOT BABE smiles.

Hot babe

Yeah, it's really great.

More awkward silence.

The HOT BABE tries to hold GARY'S hand.

But as soon as her hand touches his...

Something goes off in his pants.

GARY

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggg

gggggggggggggghhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He moans for what seems like ever, and just when it looks like he's finished...

Gary (CONT'D)

Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhh...aaaaaagggghhhhhh....

aaaagggghhh...aaaggghhhh...

He moans some more.

GARY (coNT'D)

...aagh.

Int. lindsaY MYERS' HOUSE. NIGHT

Meanwhile, downstairs...WYATT keeps the bowl of chips company, which is now almost empty. He awkwardly nurses a beer in his hand, but he can't swallow any of it without gagging.

Ext. Lindsay Myers' HOUSE. night

Eeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrcccccccchhhhhhhh!!!

JOHN'S red Ferrari scorches its way up to the front of LINDSAY'S house and screeches to a stop.

Int. FeRRARI - outside LINDSAY MYERS' house. NIGHT

JOHN kills the engine and guzzles another five nips of Vodka...one after the other.

Ext. Lindsay MYERs' HOUSE. NIGHT

JOHN bursts out of the Ferrari and removes a bottle of glue from his inner jacket pocket.

He stuffs the nozzle of glue up his nostril and takes one big whiff.

The whiff makes him stop in his tracks for a moment.

Whoa! He's mega-stoned.

He stumbles the rest of the way to the house.

Int. Lindsay myERs' HOUSE - by front door. NIGHT

The front door bursts open and JOHN collapses into the house.

The music stops.

So doesn't the partying.

All the COOL KIDS put their good times on hold and take a look at this weird man who has just crashed the party.

JOHN tries to get back on his feet.

John

(slurring his words)

Gary...and Wyatt...where is they?

One of the COOL KIDS tries to help him up.

Cool kid

Hey, man, you all right?

JOHN

(maniacally)

Get your fuckin' hands off me!!!!!!!!!!

The COOL KID gives JOHN his space.

JOHN manages to get back on his feet, though he's swaying all over the place.

John

I'm looking for a Gary! And a Wyatt!

Int. Lindsay MYERs' HOUSE - by the chip bowl. night

WYATT hears his name being called. For all he knows it's the police.

Wyatt

Oh, shit. Bagged.

Int. LindsaY MYERs' HOUSE - by front door. NIGHT

JOHN stumbles to keep himself upright.

John

(to all the party animals)

Do you know where they are?

All the COOL KIDS are shocked by this very weird man. They don't know what to tell him.

But, suddenly...

Wyatt

I'm Wyatt.

JOHN sees WYATT amidst the blurs in his vision.

John

Were you at the mall with Johnny Cruise today?

WYATT

Um...yeah. Yeah, I was. Are you...a cop?

JOHN stumbles over to WYATT and removes the sunglasses from his face. He has the most stoned set of eyes ever imagined.

It takes a moment for WYATT to recognize him. But, then, it hits him...

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Oh...my God.

Int. Lindsay mYERs' HOUSE - staircase. NIGHT

WYATT and JOHN ascend the staircase. JOHN is still stumbling all over the place, tripping up each step.

Wyatt

First of all, Johnny, I just wanna say I'm a really big fan. You've been my hero ever since I was a boy.

JOHN leans over the railing, sticks his fingers down his throat and hurls chunks over the railing...

John

(to himself)

Oh, God, that feels better.

(to Wyatt)

Thanks. But, really, what the hell is goin' on here?

WYATT

Well, see, me and my best friend Gary...we found a VCR. A Magic VCR. This thing has the ability to pull movie stars out of the movies and into the real world.

JOHN

You expect me to believe that shit?

WYATT

Well, see for yourself.

Int. LinDSAY MYERs' HOUSE - master bedroom. NIGHT

JOHNNY continues making out with LINDSAY.

Wyatt

(from the hallway)

Johnny! Johnny!!!

There is a knock on the bedroom door.

WYATT opens the door and pokes his head into the room.

He sees JOHNNY and LINDSAY making out.

WYATT (CONT'D)

(crushed)

Whoops. Uh...sorry.

He pulls his head back out of the room and shuts the door.

Int. Lindsay myers' HOUSE - hallway. Night

WYATT and JOHN stand outside the door to the master bedroom.

Wyatt

(pointing to the door)

He's...uh...he's in there. With a girl.

JOHN pushes WYATT aside...

JohN

Get outta my way!

Int. Lindsay MYERs' HOUSE - master bedroom. NIGHT

JOHN bursts into the room and stands in the doorway.

JOHNNY and LINDSAY break up their make-out session.

JOHN can't believe what he sees.

John

What is this??? Who the fuck are you?!

JOHNNY gives JOHN a blank stare.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

The man looked just like me, only uglier...much uglier.

JOHN is offended.

JOHN

Fuck you!

JOHNNY doesn't think twice before grabbing a pillow and chucking it at JOHN.

Johnny (out loud v.o.)

I struck first.

The pillow hits JOHN right in the face.

JOHNNY jumps off the bed and attacks JOHN.

LINDSAY screams.

JOHNNY and JOHN start fighting each other. It's ugly.

JOHNNY (Out loud v.o.)

(wrestling with John)

I fought him with all my might!

WYATT stands in the doorway, not sure what he should do.

Suddenly, GARY appears in the door behind him, looking frazzled.

GARY

What's all the commotion?

He sees the fight playing itself out in the bedroom.

Gary (CONT'D)

Jesus, what the hell's going on?

Wyatt

It's Johnny!

GARY

Yeah, I know it's Johnny! But who's the other guy?

WYATT

Johnny!

GARY

I KNOW it's Johnny! Who's the other guy?

WYATT

No, I mean, it's Johnny Cruise! The real Johnny Cruise!!!

GARY'S jaw drops when he realizes who he's talking about.

GARY

You gotta be kiddin' me.

WYATT

No. It's him.

JOHNNY and JOHN beat the absolute crap out of each other.

GARY

(more to himself)

Gees, he looks like shit.

Wyatt

Gary! This is where I draw the line. I mean, what if the fake Johnny kills the real Johnny? This could have terrible consequences. Break the space time continuum or somethin'. Create a wormhole. End the world. I don't wanna be the person who ends the world. We send Johnny back and we send him back now!

A lamp whizzes by GARY'S head - missing him by only inches - and shatters on the wall behind him. Whoa...close one.

GARY

OK, fine with me.

WYATT runs out of the room.

Gary (CONT'D)

Hey, where you goin'?!

WYATT

(from the hallway)

I'm getting the VCR!

A wooden desk chair whizzes by GARY'S head - missing him by only inches - and shatters on the wall behind him. Whoa...an even closer one.

GARY

(gulping)

Hurry...

Ext. Lindsay Myers' house. night

WYATT runs out of the house...

Runs to the car...

Opens up the trunk...

Int. Car - trunk. night

WYATT grabs the VCR and slams the hood of the trunk back shut.

int. Lindsay myers' house - master bedroom. Night

JOHNNY and JOHN continue fighting each other.

GARY attempts to break things up.

Gary

Uh...guys! Guys!!!

A vase flies at his face and he has to quickly duck out of the way. Woooosh! That was waaaaaay too close.

Gary (coNT'D)

Never mind.

He backs off.

Int. Lindsay myERs' HOUSE - staircase. NIGHT

WYATT books it back into the house, carrying the magic VCR in his arms.

Int. Lindsay myers' house - master bedroom. NIGHT

JOHNNY gets slammed into a night stand. Ouch! But then he reaches up to the night stand drawer and pulls it open.

Oh no! There's a gun inside!

He takes out the gun.

GARY sees it and gulps.

Gary

Oh, shit.

JOHNNY points the gun at JOHN.

But JOHN lunges at him and knocks the gun out of his hands.

BANG! The gun goes off and puts a bullet in a wall!

Int. Lindsay myers' HOUSE. NIGHT

All the PartY animals hear the gun go off and run the hell out of the house, screaming.

Int. Lindsay myers' HOUSE - master bedroom. NIGHT

JOHNNY and JOHN resume beating the crap out of each other.

WYATT runs into the room with the VCR.

GARY is so friggin' relieved.

Gary

Thank God.

WYATT sees a TV in the far corner of the room and runs over to it.

Meanwhile, JOHNNY and JOHN keep fighting. JOHN manages to grab the gun, but just as he does, JOHNNY knocks it out of his hand.

WYATT quickly tries to hook the VCR up to the TV.

GARY cowers in the corner of the room.

gary

Hurry, Wyatt!

WHAM! BAM! PUNCH! JOHNNY and JOHN fight to the death.

Finally, JOHNNY gets JOHN pinned to the ground.

He reaches for the gun on the floor.

GARY sees what's going on.

Gary (CONT'D)

Wyatt! Hurry!!!

WYATT plugs the VCR into an outlet and it fires up.

wyatt

What do I do?

gary

Eject the tapes!

He presses eject and one of the tapes gets spat out of the machine, hitting WYATT right in the forehead.

wyatt

Nothing happened!

GARY

Eject all of 'em! I put, like, five in. Remember???

Meanwhile, JOHNNY finally manages to get a grip on the gun. He aims it in JOHN'S face.

JOHN is scared as hell.

WYATT sees what's going on and knows there's not much time.

He presses 'eject' again.

Another tape gets spat out of the machine.

And again.

Out comes another tape!

Meanwhile, JOHNNY fingers the trigger...and begins to pull.

JOHN shuts his eyes and awaits his death.

But JOHNNY suddenly loses all feeling in his body.

He drops the gun.

He chokes and gasps for air.

The VCR spits out the last of the tapes.

There is wind.

The ground rumbles.

Stuff blows everywhere.

The TV flickers. Scrambled images fill the screen.

GARY dives to the ground and covers himself with his arms.

JOHN shields his face with his hands.

LINDSAY screams off the top of her lungs.

WYATT runs over to the bed and dives onto LINDSAY, shielding her with his body.

JOHNNY screams.

Johnny

Aaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!

And - just like that - JOHNNY disappears, into thin air.

The wind dies down.

The earth stops rumbling.

The room is a mess, but all becomes quiet and still again.

GARY emerges from beneath his arms.

JOHN does the same.

WYATT rolls off of LINDSAY.

WYATT

You OK?

LINDSAY doesn't say anything. Just nods. She's still in shock.

JOHN sits upright on the floor.

WYATT stumbles over to him and helps him up.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

Now do you believe me?

JOHN shivers from adrenaline shock and gives WYATT a silent nod.

LINDSAY starts freaking out.

Lindsay

Wha...what just happened?!

WYATT

It's all right, Lindsay. It's all over now. That wasn't the real Johnny Cruise.

LINDSAY

Then who was it?

WYATT

A monster...that we created.

LINDSAY shivers.

WYATT covers LINDSAY with a blanket.

Wyatt (CONT'D)

But it's OK. He's back where he belongs now.

LINDSAY gives him a warm smile and then gives him a kiss on the cheek.

LINDSAY

Thanks, Wyatt.

WYATT smiles back.

Ext. Lindsay myers' hOUSE. night

WYATT and GARY escort JOHN back to his car.

Gary

So, anyway, Johnny...we're really sorry about all this.

John

You guys have any weed?

GARY and WYATT are a bit caught off guard by the question.

GARY

Um...uh...

Wyatt

Uh...

GARY

No.

WYATT

No.

JOHNNY doesn't like that answer.

John

Shit.

Gary

So, Johnny...do you...I don't know. Wanna hang out with us some...

SLAM! The car door shuts.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerch!!! The Ferrari floors it the hell out of there.

Gary (CONT'D)

...time???

GARY and WYATT watch the car swerve its way down the road and disappear before they know it.

GARY (CONT'D)

(to Wyatt)

I think I like the other Johnny Cruise better.

Wyatt

You mean the Johnny Cruise who doesn't exist?

gary

Yeah. I guess.

WYATT

Hey, so what happened with you and that girl? You get laid?

GARY becomes a little insecure.

Gary

Um...sort of.

WYATT tries to be happy for him.

WYATT

That's awesome. What was it like?

The question catches GARY off guard.

GARY

Um...uh...it's overrated.

WYATT

Really?

GARY

Honestly, Wyatt, I don't care if I ever have sex again.

WYATT

Wow. Really?

Gary

Yeah, dude. The fantasy's so much better than the reality.

Int. LindSAY MYERs' HOUSE - master bedroom. NIGHT

WYATT stands beside the bedroom window, holding the VCR in his arms.

WYATT

Well...

garY

Well...

WYATT

This is something that should've been done long ago.

He begins to chuck the damned machine out the window.

But GARY stops him.

GarY

Wait!

WYATT stops and rolls his eyes.

WYATT

What?

Gary

Maybe we WOULD have better luck with Marilyn Monroe.

WYATT

Gary, don't even think about it...

GARY

Come on, Wyatt...we could play with her boobs.

WYATT

Gary...NO!

GARY sighs.

GARY

All right.

And - with that - lookout below! WYATT throws the machine out the window.

Ext. Lindsay MYERs' HOUSE - below window. Night

CRASH!

The VCR shatters to smithereens.

Ext. lindsay myers' HOUSE - at window. Night

GARY and WYATT poke their heads out the window and look at the smashed machine below.

Wyatt

Phew.

Int. Lindsay MYERs' house - masTER BEDROOM. NIGHT

GARY and WYATT pull their heads inside.

GarY

Well, it's all over now.

He wipes the sweat from his brow.

WYATT

Yep.

But then...

There is wind.

The ground rumbles.

The room becomes a hurricane.

GARY and WYATT start to feel really, really weird.

WYATT

Whaaaaaaaaat's happening, Gary?!

GARY

I don't know!!!

They start choking and gasping for air.

And, suddenly, they disappear - into thin air.

Int. Video store. Night

GARY and WYATT appear inside a video store, not too different from the one WYATT worked at. They don't know what the hell is happening or where the hell they are. They're disoriented as hell.

Two pimple-faced TEENAGERS stand across from them, looking not much different from GARY and WYATT.

Pimple-face #1

It worked!

GARY and WYATT are confused as hell.

Gary and wyatt

Huh???

Pimple-face #2

We're your biggest fans!

Pimple-FACE #1

Yep, and we created a magic VCR, just like the one in YOUR movie!

GARY and WYATT look at each other, become bug-eyed...

...and SCREAM!

GARY AND WYATT

AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaggggg

gggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



THE END


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